With April coming up in a hurry and Mercury falling out of retrograde, it seems like now is as good a time as any to help you all out with a fresh batch of horoscopes.

Aries | March 21 to April 19
You’re related to the God of War for gosh sakes and Mars is half in shadow right now. Be more aggressive in achieving your goals! Think “What would Ares do?”

Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Like I said, Mercury is no longer in retrograde. Also, you will find yourself heartbroken soon. 

Gemini | May 21 to June 20
April showers bring May flowers, so plan on going flower-watching. On second thought, you don’t seem like the type to respect the flowers’ sovereignty, so maybe just google some pretty pictures instead. 

Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The weather always seems to heat up right around now.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
His name is Leo and he dances on the sand. Keep going on those solo trips to the beach, chief, there are good things in store for you there on your journey to self-love. Or maybe it was the desert…

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will be happy and filled to the brim with good vibes and joy, especially if you were lucky enough to be born on Aug. 25. 

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Zebra. That’s all that rhymes with Libra. If you can think of anything else shoot me an email. Stripes don’t work on you, though, so don’t try that. Please. 

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’ve been really toxic lately. Some might say you’ve been venomous, or even just downright poisonous. 

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Neptune is spinning sideways, so consider rewatching some rom coms. You’ll be surprised to find that they still make you feel lonely. 

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Stop taking shortcuts. Double knot those laces and quit jaywalking. It’ll help you in the long run.  

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Wait for Pluto to be reinstated as a planet before you make any big life decisions or take any risks. 

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
I have a feeling you might want to own a fish. Don’t buy a beta, though, you need to portray yourself as more of an alpha. Maybe get a lionfish. 

Editor’s Note: The Disreguardian is satirical and is published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Lifestyle will resume publishing normal content next week.