Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Features will resume publishing normal content next week.

As a Southern California transplant from the Midwest, I know what makes great Mexican food. And since I moved out here five months ago, I have been blessed with some of the most authentic Mexican dishes you can get outside of the Midwest. Being raised by two immigrant parents — my father, a carpenter from Liverpool, England, and my mother a diagnostic medical sonographer from Bloomington, Illinois — I have quite the cultured palette. With San Diego’s close proximity to Tijuana, as well as its rich cultural heritage, there is an abundance of amazing Mexican restaurants, and it can be overwhelming to choose the best one. Luckily, this expert is here to be your local tour guide through the Mexican culinary delights of San Diego. 

1. Taco Bell 

This hip taco joint stands out as one of my go-to places for tacos, burritos, and more. Some must-tries include the famous Crunchwrap Supreme, a hexagonal masterpiece filled with mystery meat, cheese, and veggies, gift-wrapped in a warm factory-made flour tortilla. Just be sure to wash it down with the house special Baja Blast, a festival of corn syrup and carcinogens — this was a favorite among my friends after a night of drinking tequila and playing lotería. 

2. Jack in the Box 

If Anthony Bourdain were still alive, I have no doubt he would be coming here to have a sit-down dinner with former President Barack Obama. As he once said, “Good food is very often, most often, simple food.” That statement rings true here, as the only Mexican item you will find on the menu is tucked away in the corner with a small label that reads, “Tiny Tacos.” Without a doubt, this is a hidden gem for super authentic Mexican tacos. 

3. Del Taco

The Double Del Cheeseburger with carne asada fries. Iykyk. 

4. Chipotle 

We all know that what makes great Mexican food is the amount of sour cream you put on top. Luckily, at Chipotle, you never have to doubt that they will absolutely load you to the brim. Whether you’re getting a bowl or a burrito, your pants are sure to never be safe as you will spill every single ounce of sour cream on them. This is also my go-to spot for my lunch break from my three-hour shift as a SoulCycle instructor at Westfield UTC. 

5. Rubios 

As a child, my parents never had enough time to drive me to school, cook substantial meals, or even feed our cat, Pringles. My father started his own carpentry business and eventually his own empire, so he was always away on business, and my mother worked very late at the hospital. When my parents did have the time to cook, my father would make his specialty of microwaved fish sticks with microwaved flour tortillas topped with mushy peas, a staple in the English diet. When I moved to San Diego, the first restaurant I tried was Rubio’s Coastal Grill. And the first bite of the fish tacos I had reminded me of the home-cooked meals my father made for our working class family.

I hope I, a local, have given you some inspiration for the best Mexican eats in San Diego. As proven by my extensive credentials, I know what I am talking about. So get out there, try some authentic Mexican cuisine, and live mas.