Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Features will resume publishing normal content next week.

Good morning, UC San Diego! It’s UCSD Chancellor Pradeep Khosla here, and today is the first day of Spring Quarter! Since stepping into this role, I’ve built this institution from the ground up, brick by brick, perfectly shaping it into the pinnacle of educational excellence that it is today. I am expected to present an annual report on student life to University of California President Michael Drake at the end of the school year, and this time, I’ve decided to collect my data differently. I told my secretary to clear my schedule so I could try experiencing UCSD through a student’s eyes. I can’t wait to become one of you; every day on this campus will be a great day!

I left my mansion this morning, ready for an exciting day at school. Craving my morning caffeine, I opened my Triton2Go app to order an Americano from Roger’s Market. Upon arrival, I walked up to the counter to claim my order but was ignored. Perhaps they couldn’t see me, so I waved and called out to the nearest employee. 

“I would like to pick up my Americano, please,” I said as he approached. He asked for my order number, and I stared blankly at him. I wasn’t sure what that meant. If I placed an order, it means that I was in first place, right? He told me to check the Triton2Go app, which I opened and showed him. He pointed out the hour-long wait time indicated on the screen. This was the perfect opportunity to take the time out of my day to slow down; not everything had to be so rushed! I stepped outside and sat in one of the lounge chairs, soaking up the sun. Then, when the kind employee handed me my Americano, I took a walk around campus.

As I looked around, I reflected on how perfectly I had curated this campus. I still saw miniscule gaps between students walking during the chaos of passing period, which indicated that adding an eighth college did not overwhelm our students in the slightest; there is always space for more. Ninth College, here we come! I strolled past Sun God Lawn, which was quite deserted. Students really need to relax and be out in the sun more; it’s not like studying is going to cost them their future. 

I arrived at Center Hall, where I sat in on a riveting linear algebra class. As a former electrical engineering student, I absolutely adore math. Our STEM program is so brilliant that they were able to perform groundbreaking research with limited funds. I arrived five minutes early, and despite there being many students in their seats, the lecture hall was dead silent. Students were on their phones, and most had AirPods in their ears, avoiding eye contact with each other. I was delighted to see the younger generation using pre-game routines from professional athletes to get in the zone. This was different from when I was in college.

Class began promptly, with the professor introducing herself and addressing the waitlisted students. I turned around to see 100 students crouched down against the wall and stairs — some even sat on their friends’ laps! I cannot believe that so many students are so passionate to learn in the GE classes! Such closeness among students is vital for fostering a sex-positive campus community. 

After a long and fulfilling day of education, I wound down by going to the UCSD men’s basketball game, as I’m sure so many students do. The student section was filled, but only five students were cheering loudly for every basket scored by our players while heckling the opposing team as much as possible. I turned and realized that it was the frat guys in the front row. They were doing a great job displaying school spirit, clearly the result of having famously social residence halls instead of a frat row. 

I must give myself a pat on the back, as my day on campus proved that UCSD is not only a research powerhouse but also a true social and athletic machine. My plans for this campus and its student life were exactly as I planned, perfectly engineered for students to balance studying and having fun. This was an incredible experience to feel the delight of UCSD students, and it gave me great insight for my annual report!