Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Features will resume publishing normal content next week.
If you find yourself, like many other students, struggling to plan memorable and successful dates on UC San Diego’s campus, look no further! Here is a fool-proof guide to wooing anyone from the cutie in OChem, the Tinder match that keeps trying to invite themselves over, or even your back-up plan Marriage Pact.
Start your date with some coffee — Coffee-with-a-Prof, that is! Prior to the date, ask your prospective bae who their least favorite professor is. Invite the lecturer and settle the beef between the two of them. Try pulling some We’re Not Really Strangers cards to spark meaningful conversation. Questions like “Is there anything you’re ashamed of from your past?” and “What about you feels hardest to love?” are sure to help them warm up to each other. Bonus: If you split the comped coffee with your date, it’s free!
Keep up the fun going by heading down to Birch Aquarium. Start the tour by getting deep — feel free to start crying when you explain that your 2020 resolution to be vegan was short-lived and now you feel like the fish are judging you. Follow this up by insisting that, in a tank of 30 identical fish, one specific fish looks exactly like your ex. Shed a few more tears and whisper, “They both have the same condescending glare.”
On the way back, take your date on a sightseeing tour of every level of every parking structure on campus as you search for a spot to park your car. Let them see your sparkling conversation skills as you navigate through the drum circles in the depths of Pangea. When there are no parking spots available, park your car in La Jolla Shores and Venmo request them for the Uber back to campus.
Once you’re back on the main campus, take them out for a romantic stroll by UCSD’s hidden gems. Walk by the talking trees, but insist you don’t hear anything! Ask if they always hear voices and suggest they reach out to CAPS to see a specialist. Continue walking toward Fallen Star and insist it’s your family’s vacation home. Complain loudly about the HOA fees.
If you get hungry, grab some Uncrustables from a “Just Walk Out” market and make sure to have your date Venmo you for anything they touched that got charged to your account. As the sun sets, have a “rooftop” dinner on the eighth floor of Geisel. Set up a picnic on your yellow Meet the Beach towel by a window overlooking campus. When your date tries making conversation, shush them and whisper that people are trying to study. They’ll love the full immersion into the heart of UCSD campus culture.
When you finish up those PB&Js, fill out your SETs over pastries from Audrey’s Cafe. It’s never too soon to give feedback! Give your date a meaningful glimpse into your truest form as you mercilessly rip apart that one TA who wronged you. Vulnerability is the most attractive trait in a partner. Bonus points if you pull up the unfairly graded assignment and make your date read and regrade it.
Next, go on an after-dinner safari adventure! Spend at least a few hours lurking around the Old Student Center to catch a glimpse of the coyote that roams campus at night. When you do finally see it, point out how similar the coyote’s eyes are to your ex’s and shed a few more tears.
End the night by making wishes under the Sun God statue. Tell your date you want your mother to wear white to the wedding. Then, call your mom on speakerphone and tell her to start shopping. Have them also call their mom so everyone can get to know each other over the phone and coordinate matching Christmas sweaters.
If you follow these tips to a T, you’re sure to score not only a second date but also a lifelong study partner.
