The time has come; Valentine’s Day has once again jabbed its ugly heart-shaped head into every supermarket, pharmacy, and department store across the country. Everywhere you look, there are symbols of love and romance, celebrations of that special connection between romantic partners. It can be sappily sweet for those in relationships but, unfortunately, quite a downer for those who find themselves single around this time of year. While Valentine’s Day is catered to those who are “in love,” I bring you something that everyone can enjoy. Love stories are great, but a person’s wildest hookup experience? That’s top-tier entertainment. For this Valentine’s Day edition, I asked a number of students to get real about some of their craziest, funniest, and most memorable sexual encounters. For the sake of privacy, some names have been changed, but their stories, and their experiences, are real. 

“I had sex in the RIMAC gym” (Michael, 20) 

“I went to this guy’s apartment for a hookup and about mid-way through, I realized I was not feeling it. The gay gods must’ve been listening but still wanted to mess with me. Mid session, we hear a car door lock, and he stops. He pulls out and looks out the balcony then immediately tells me I need to go. I wind up having to leave in a rush and drive home with the condom still up my ass.” (Deric, 20) 

“The time I lost my virginity, I was talking to this [f—]boy. He and I had a lot of sexual tension building between us, and we were planning to be FWBs before anything actually happened. We began exchanging nudes and explicit texts for a while. He would constantly be hyping up having sex with him and made it out to sound like he’d be good as hell. But tell me why the head was not heading; the sex was not sexing. I had gotten some false advertisements. I realize that’s not actually a funny story, it’s just kinda sad.” (Megan, 21) 

“He finished and then had a seizure.” (Rachel, 21) 

“I hooked up with this dude, and he refused to get up the next morning. He ended up sleeping in my bed until 2 p.m. while I went to class. My roommate and I ended up just sitting on her bed, watching him, and waiting until he woke up” (Liz, 19) 

“Having public sex by the talking tree.” (Joseph, 21) 

“I was with this dude that I had met off a dating app. We hooked up in his car, and then afterward, he wanted to get Taco Bell drive-thru. When the employee told him the price for his order, he started to get angry, insisting that the price at the Taco Bell by him was cheaper. He was incredibly rude to the service worker, and I had to tell this stranger to say thank you and to apologize for yelling at the employee. After getting his food and trying it, he became furious about it and cut the drive-thru line to speak with the worker. He began complaining to her while I held my head in my hands, embarrassed to be seen with him. As he sped out of the drive-thru, he threw the food out the window and screamed, “This place sucks!” I was absolutely mortified. But, honestly, the worst part about it is that I still proceeded to have sex with him when we parked. I did ghost him, but about a year later, he sent me a friend request on Facebook.” (Jayden, 21) 

“I met this dude on Tinder, and he picked me up to take me back to his place. I noticed he was driving a bit strange, so I asked if he was drunk. Lo and behold he admitted that he was. I told him I would drive, so he proceeded to pull over, except he did not pull all the way to the side, instead ending up in the middle of the street. He turns off the car, and we switch seats. He hands me the keys but when I try to insert them, they won’t go. We shine a light only to realize that he broke the key off in the ignition. I tell him to switch sides as I do not want to be in the driver’s seat if anything happens. We switch, and then there we are, stuck in the middle of the road at 2 a.m.. Homie nonetheless tries to initiate something which I was reasonably not into. About 10 minutes later, a police car pulls up behind us and gets out, checking what the problem is and so forth. I don’t recall exactly how we got out of that one but the officer ended up leaving. This fool then ended up trying to make another move! The cop proceeded to circle back and keep an eye on us, but after the officer drove off for a second time, I had a moment of horny weakness and gave in. We ended up hooking up in the backseat of his car while still parked in the middle of the street. One of his friends then came to pick us up, and he left his car there. I wonder what ended up happening to that car.” (Jen, 20) 

“We were in the middle of making out when his roommates came in and decided to watch a full-length movie with us.” (Kayla, 20) 

“I matched with this dude on Tinder one day, and he messaged me. We chatted for a bit and he ended up asking me to meet up. I was pretty surprised because he was definitely out of my league. We meet up, and since he’s so out of my league, I’m anticipating a catch. Maybe he’s going to flake or he’s going to be a catfish. But he gets there, and he’s even hotter in person. He gets in the car, we chat for a little, and we get to doing our thing. We make out for a bit and he proceeds to undress me. He then instructed me to sit on all fours, so he could “admire me.” He then proceeded to examine my butthole, and it felt very strangely reminiscent of a medical examination. At some point, he ends up reaching around to grab my tits. I’m a dude…” (Jacob, 20) 

For anyone who’s dipped their toes in the world of online dating, hookup culture, or frankly sex in general, there are bound to be some shocking and wild experiences. Hookups might be awkward and terrible, but damn, can they be entertaining. Hopefully this Valentine’s Day, you can find some entertainment of your own, in whatever form that may be.

Art by Allen Chen of the UCSD Guardian