Disreguardian: Tips For Dating During Quarantine

COVID-19 may perhaps be the biggest cockblock the modern world has ever known, single-handedly ending Tinder hookups for the foreseeable future. If you’re feeling lonely during quarantine, we’ve compiled a list of tips for dating in the age of the pandemic.

Revamp Your Profile
There is literally no reason anymore to keep that blurry selfie you took five years ago on your Hinge profile. With nothing to do but sit in your house all day, put on some real clothes, find a room with a lot of light — or, venture out on a government-approved walk, if you so desire — and take some new pictures to impress your future matches. 

Use Instagram Challenges To Your Advantage
Want a certain someone to notice you? If you’re feeling bold, tag them in the latest Instagram challenge so you’re 100 percent sure they’ll see your story. Who knows, maybe they’ll draw a fruit and tag you right back. 

TikTok Dance Your Way Into Their Heart
Just because we’re all isolating doesn’t mean you can’t still ask your crush out! Since you can’t ask in person, don’t be lame and do it over text; make them a personalized TikTok. Create a new dance or perfect a popular one (perhaps the “Say So” dance) to send to your crush. If you’re lucky, they’ll duet you with a “yes”!

Take a Hint From the Hunger Games
This is your chance to channel your inner Peeta Mellark and perfect your bread making skills to impress your crush! If you can, we suggest baking the perfect loaf into a heart to show effort and emotion. Unfortunately, since there is a six feet apart rule, you can either leave it on their doorstep or drive by their house and throw it to them out of your window. Whatever you decide, there’s no way your crush will resist you and your sourdough! 

Be Generous in More Ways Than One
If you want to do something truly memorable, you’re gonna wanna try this. Since we are in a time of toilet paper crisis, show your generous side by giving your crush a spare roll. However, this isn’t just a roll; find a skin-friendly marker and write them a message! You can be bold and ask them out, or if you’re already in a relationship, shake things up by writing a sweet or spicy message on each square! That way, they’ll always be thinking of you, even when they go number two. 

Go Old School With a Letter
Have spare stamps? Send your significant other some good ole snail mail. Break out your best cursive and use that stationary you haven’t touched since middle school to craft the perfect letter. Bonus points if you include some handwritten poetry about your undying love or newspaper clippings that remind you of them. 

Explore New Horizons
If you both have a Nintendo Switch, get that friend code and set up a time to play Animal Crossing: New Horizons. The multiplayer feature is a great setting for a first date, because there’s nothing more romantic than catching virtual bugs and fish. Tom Nook will be overjoyed to witness your budding romance. 

Editor’s Note: The Disreguardian is satire published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Lifestyle will resume publishing regular content next week.

Art by Anthony Tran