In light of Eating Disorder Awareness Week, I would like to
take this time to both embrace and flaunt my inner fat-ass.

I’m not afraid to admit the fact that I get weak in the
knees over trans fat. I love to stuff my face chock full of candies
(fruit-flavored, not chocolate), chips (the saltier, the better), soda
(preferably ice-cold Mountain Dew) and anything and everything that comes out
of a window — microwave or drive-thru. I dream of Jack in the Box tacos, and my
mouth waters like one of Pavlov’s dogs at the sight of a Western Bacon
Cheeseburger.

Don’t get me wrong. I know that fast food is somewhat
unhealthy and that I could probably be a lot nicer to my aorta by ceasing my
ingestion of fried foods, but I just don’t care. It’s readily available, quick,
cheap and tastes delicious. And to all you haters out there who say otherwise,
you’re lying. Plus, not being a die-hard calorie-counter eliminates a lot of
would-be stress in my life. Instead, I’m able to enjoy the finer things — such
as fried zucchini and orange chicken — guilt-free.

To those individuals who swear they vomit at the sight of
fast food (“McDonald’s is sooooo disgusting”), I call bullshit. You cannot
honestly sit there and tell me that your taste buds aren’t tickled by the touch
of a hot, greasy, freshly cooked French fry or a sumptuously sweet soft-serve
vanilla cone.

If you come out with the real reason you have fast-food
phobia and admit that you’re unrealistically afraid of the fat and
carbohydrates that inevitably accompany said French fry consumption, that’s a
different story entirely. But don’t say that you hate the way fast food
“tastes,” unless you want me to sock you in the face.

And c’mon, people. Don’t tell me that an occasional foray
into fast-food world is the be-all, end-all of your chiseled abs or size zero
frames. I feel like all of you just need to relax and eat a cheeseburger or
two, because the world would definitely be a better place if you all just
chilled out. The nonsensical fear of becoming fat over even sporadic
consumption of any fast food, snack food or junk food is major factor
perpetuating eating disorders in the first place.

If you’ve ever seen the commercials, you know that fast food
transcends age, race, language barriers (the McDonald’s “I’m lovin’ it”
campaign, anyone?) and even teaches people how to break dance and succeed at
playing Double Dutch. It truly does have the power to unite humans behind a
common cause: deliciousness.

There’s a fast food restaurant for everyone. Mexican,
Chinese, All-American, Greek — whatever you could ever want or imagine, I
guarantee it exists somewhere in the sprawling world of drive-thrus and Happy
Meals.

And since I’m spouting the virtues of fast food so
unabashedly, I want to soothe any lingering doubts you may have about embracing
its wonders by providing a personal guide for you to use the next time you
decide you’re hungry for greasy goodness.

There is a complex spectrum of restaurants offering
fast-food connoisseurs everything from grease-soaked takeout bags to friendly
tableside service (yes, despite the waitress, Denny’s is still a proud member
of the fast-food industry). In order to break it down as simply as possible,
I’m going to organize my guide by food type: burger joints, international
flavors and the obligatory category of “other.”

Burger joints

I’ll start with McDonald’s, everyone’s favorite restaurant
to hate. Although Ronald is creepy and Grimace is unidentifiable, the food is
hands-down delectable — especially breakfast items such as McGriddles and Egg
McMuffins (perfect for soothing any stomach upset after a long night of
drinking). If you venture in for a late-afternoon snack, be sure to grab a
chipotle crispy chicken snack-wrap. Trust me, you’ll thank me later. Carnivores
should go after the McNuggets — bonus points for the boot-shaped ones, which
are specifically engineered for dipping. And don’t forget those trademark fries.

Wendy’s, if you can look past square-shaped meat patties,
features delicious side items such as baked potatoes and chili, which you won’t
readily find anywhere else. But Jack in the Box, my personal favorite, takes
side items to the extreme: egg rolls, spicy chicken bites, bacon-and-cheddar
potato wedges, those decadent two-for-99-cents tacos and, of course, Jesus
embodied as food in the scrumptious Ultimate Cheeseburger. Avoid Burger King at
all costs unless you want death on a bun and leave In-N-Out for the rookies —
it’s not that good, people. The fries suck.

International flavors

This category plays host to a wide array of restaurants,
including Taco Bell, which championed the idea of “fourthmeal,” located
conveniently between dinner and breakfast. Mexican pizzas (sans tomatoes) and
Double-Decker Tacos are always a safe bet, and every bite of the Crunchwrap
Supreme is to be savored.

Panda Express and other Asian-themed eateries conveniently
offer multi-item combos, and mushroom chicken and chow mein are guaranteed to
please even the most reluctant palate.

However, Del Taco takes the crown in this category. Moving
from Orange County, where there’s a DT on every corner, to San Diego has
severely hampered my ability to consume those signature chili-cheese fries and
Chicken Spicy Jack Quesadillas. But trust me, if you want a little taste of
heaven and don’t mind driving for a good 15 to 20 minutes, there are a few DTs
sprinkled throughout the veins of San Diego for your benefit and enjoyment.

Other

Wienerschnitzel, Arby’s and KFC are this category’s main
highlights. Often scoffed at by even the most dedicated fast-food patrons,
these establishments are nonetheless as delicious as their hamburger neighbors.
Try a plain old chili cheese dog at Wienerschnitzel and a Beef ‘n Cheddar
sandwich at Arby’s to maximize your exposure to the diverse tastes of the
fast-food world. And any original recipe item — strips, whole pieces or popcorn
variety— at KFC is guaranteed to be mouth-watering.

So now I say to all you reluctant eaters: Welcome to my
world. Forget salad for a night and just accept your inner fat-ass. Let go of
all your fear, all your shame and all those finger-in-the-chili urban legends
you’ve heard, and order that burger. For once, just enjoy the taste and stop
obsessing over nutrition facts. You won’t be sorry, and you will be full.