Have you ever had to use the restroom really badly, and the bathroom itself was also really bad, and everything was really bad? Well, you’ve hit the jackpot: throughout my extensive residence in San Diego, I have accumulated a wealth of knowledge to create this comprehensive, detailed guide on where to go to improve your bathroom experience. As we all know, if you gotta go, you gotta go. Why not go where you’ll enjoy it?
Whether you crave an interesting experience or just want a unique bathroom story, this list is for you: the most peculiar bathrooms in San Diego.
Bang Bang
I bet after watching “The Notebook,” you had this exact dream: Ryan Gosling has been courting you for a while now, and through the glimmer of his iris, he pleads that he only loves you. This could be your reality, give or take a few details, in Bang Bang’s Ryan Gosling-themed bathroom. His eyes stare, pulling you in as you select which Gosling to lock eyes with of the thousands printed on the walls. This bathroom earned its spot on this list purely for its unique theme. Many Gosling fans dine specifically at this establishment for the sole reason that its bathroom is saturated with his image. Historically, the spot has been perfect for photoshoot ops.
Mothership
If you break into a sweat on the porcelain pot, Mothership’s bathroom offers the perfect scapegoat. Your red face and pools of sweat were not because you were overcoming your bathroom anxiety or dealing with IBS — it’s because of the space-themed radiation from the 360-degree floor-to-ceiling panels of red lights that illuminate the spacious room in a dark yet comforting hue.
The ambience doesn’t end there; a pre-recorded alien soundtrack, featuring two comrades on a mission communicating through walkie-talkies over alien-themed music, acts as the unique soundscape for your experience. You can really test your mindfulness and ability to live in the moment, as the stimulation of the bathroom will challenge you. Breathe deeply and pay attention to your surroundings. What do you hear? See? Smell? Uh, not that last one actually.
The Candy Shop
Legends has it that there was once a candy shop at Westfield UTC that utilized an extremely rare, high-tech bathroom system. Back in the day, once you secured your spot in your very own single stall, the wall turned to glass with a turn of the lock. You can see all of the shoppers in the store, but they can’t see you — the prime people-watching location. As you make your donation to the bowl, you will experience the entire range of human emotion from emotional vulnerability to fleeting ecstasy.
Trust me, it will feel like you’re deucing out in the open. A mother takes her child for candies as a treat after his test. Sephora-obsessed children arrive for their cheap, double-digit priced candies after spending even more on Mom’s credit card buying makeup they wear to elementary school. A child on a leash tries to escape — instead, he is given more sugar. It’s a moment in time and a snapshot of human nature.
The novelty and uniqueness of this design makes this one of the coolest bathrooms in San Diego. Unfortunately, this candy shop has recently closed — maybe too many people were adding to the bathroom utility bill and not buying enough candy.
Honorable Mentions:
The Ché Café
The bathrooms are visually dynamic, lined with graffiti and artfully littered with bumper and band stickers. Dropping some matter here is accompanied by live music, so if you did need to let one rip, it would go unnoticed. The echoing sounds of screamo and booming bass pierce through the walls, muffling your bathroom endeavors.
The Ché’s 2-by-2-foot box presses your knees up against the door, which doubles as an extra layer of security. The blue raspberry fairy bubblegum-scented air fresheners will mask your defecation, just in case! Oh, and there are free menstrual products. Trust me: When you let one rip, the Ché community has your back.
The Ocean
Can we normalize exiting the ocean in a walk of shame? I mean, not all of us can look like we belong in “Baywatch.” If you’re like me, you might look more like a frazzled, disheveled wet rat with a slight limp. After all, there is nothing like “freshening up” in the frosty 56-degree water. Just hope and pray that your mysterious, smelly, mid-winter dip is close enough to a surfer that you will be safe from the sharks, but also a sufficient distance from them so your log doesn’t pop up and float over to them. A surfer out on the water in the winter would know: your log isn’t fish poop.
That interesting, philanthropic environmental choice you made to return the seaweed to the ocean on your way out has a dual usage as your all-natural, biodegradable toilet paper. Just hope that you don’t get rug burn from nature’s toilet paper, seaside edition. I mean, it is probably good for you — exfoliating and possibly hydrating due to the alginate?
Whether this list guarantees you a stable bathroom experience in San Diego is debatable. However, these options are all extremely unique. If you do find yourself needing to go badly, it won’t hurt to be in an establishment that not only has a great product or service but also has a cool bathroom. So, the next time you gotta go, you can go in an awesome place.
