Like death and taxes, Yelp is a fact of life. It’s as ubiquitous as fanny packs once were and just as gaudy. Businesses are made to dance by the overwhelmingly red website’s user-based advice, going to great lengths to get that invaluable five-star review signaling that Feck Off, not Larry’s, is the place to get the most vivid hallucinations from your evening absinthe. And consumers can usually trust the reviews because, instead of coming from a bougie critic, they are written by people like them, AKA proles.

But Yelp doesn’t rate only businesses. It rates universities, too. Essentially, nobody is safe. Not even UC San Diego, which has a grand total of 178 reviews for a shining four-star rating. World class? Maybe. Five star? No.

We at the Gutter rummaged through the Yelp page so you didn’t have to and found some savory treasures. We’ll pay well-intentioned reviewers their due time in this article, but, really, what is a Yelp review if not scathing? Take for example this one-star review posted by Erik B. on March 3: “Worst experience of my life.”

“Oppressive, anti-social, miserable culture,” said Erik. “UCSD managed to select every kid with perfect or near-perfect GPAs yet without any sport, student government or any kind of cultural interest (other than the usual university damn-the-white-man ‘culture’ which exists but is not too strong there).”

It’s possible we’re dealing with a white nationalist, but at least he mentioned we get good grades? Erik is obviously pissed with his experience at UC San Diego. So much so that he literally wiped his ass with his degree.

“I actually photocopied my diploma (my dad collected it, I couldn’t be bothered) and used them as toilet paper,” Erik recounted.

Now that’s what I call putting a $50,000 education to good use. (Golf clap.)

On the other side of the spectrum, Laurence L. loves UC San Diego and made it known in a five-star review posted Sept. 15 of last year.

“Great environment, awesome chill people, spacecraft library, high-tech research facilities, chill professors (some), nearby beach, a considerably much tamer Sun God and raccoons that follow you at night,” said Laurence. “(This isn’t sarcasm, I really do appreciate the raccoons).”

Some look at a UC San Diego degree and see toilet paper. Others see a newfound appreciation for raccoons. It’s safe to say that life at UC San Diego is much too complex to be pinned down in one — or even, many — Yelp review(s). But let’s not forget about the reviewers who found the university … meh.

“In general,” said Ben B. in his two-star review, “it is my firm opinion that going to any college is a waste of time.”

Natalie F., an alumna and current staff member, had some choice words on the proverbial Triton Eye in her four-star review.

“People complain about Triton Eye, but that always kind of pissed me off because people here look like people everywhere else,” Natalie confessed. “Plus, I went there and I am damn good looking.”

For what’s it’s worth, we believe you, Natalie. But has it ever occurred to you that Triton Eye has skewed your perception of — wait for it — yourself?

Hopefully not. We should be thankful that people like Natalie, Ben and even Erik took the time to leave a review on UC San Diego’s Yelp page. It gives outsiders a perception of our university grounded in real experiences — one which must be taken with a grain of salt, of course, as most of the people who know the school best are much too busy cultivating the damn-the-white-man culture to spend time on trivialities like Yelp reviews.

In all seriousness, though, who the hell still reads Yelp? Seriously. That shit is dated.