Now, UCSD is a perfect academic haven, an intellectual ivory tower for UCLA and UC Berkeley rejects. We don’t take slackers, we’re superior. Pure, even… kind of like the bleach you spilled on your jeans in the laundry room last week. That said, seeing as Winter Quarter is here, we’ve preemptively compiled this handy-dandy article on learning to live with failure. Y’know. Just in case.

And for the people in the back saying, “Oh, Author, you’re so silly, not everyone is a dissatisfied fuck-up! Some of us go through our careers at UCSD without any disappointments, ever!” I have a clever, well-reasoned response. Or do I? Fine, all you “successful” people need not read. Here’s the damn list:

1. Drink water. Now, this is a long-shot, but Google says that humans need H2O to survive. You don’t want to keel over dead from the shock of a D- on that test, do you?
2. Get really, really drunk. Suggestion one is a crock of shit, and only wusses stay hydrated. You need to get properly hammered to steel yourself against the cruelty of academia.
3. Buy those fuzzy bunny slippers you’ve always wanted. This isn’t a suggestion. It’s a command. Bunny slippers are guaranteed to induce laziness.
4. Retreat from the larger world, purchase a godforsaken scrap of land in the Rockies, and become a hermit. Modern life is overrated, and so are good grades — reject both, reach enlightenment.
5. Ask your father for a small loan of one million dollars. Money is the ultimate remedy for failure, and is an excellent multi-purpose tool.
6. Make ad on Craigslist “Seeking a Friend.” Either you’ll get a new buddy or you’ll end up on the Sunday news. Regardless, you’ll definitely forget all about your school worries.
7. Call your parents and rant at them for being insufficiently supportive. It’s all their fault! Your pet hamster, the water-cooler incident — they’re just bringing you down. Vent and de-stress by blaming family.
8. If number seven is insufficiently helpful, summon your ancestors in a clandestine black-magic ritual and entreat them for their aid. Sure, you might get busted for defilement of a grave, but the wisdom of generations past might help you overcome your struggles!
9. Feed the seagulls and gaze mournfully at the sea. It’s cinematic and dramatic, so when you’re rich and famous you can tell your biographers that’s what you did after your first major setback.
10. Cry.