In this competitive job market, the task of finding a career straight out of college can be a daunting task. With a feeling of trepidation, students at UCSD approach spring quarter knowing that this may be their last chance to find an alternative to moving back in with their parents. Whether you’ve majored in Bioengineering or Pop Cultural Studies, you’re dead-set on finding a job. Either way it’s not going to be easy. Time is rapidly diminishing as students troll Port Triton and the Career Services Center in hopes of finding full-time employment. Take a deep breath, relax and do not despair. The wise, all-knowing How-to Guru is here to assist students in their rigorous quest for employment.
The first step is to fake it until you make it. Most importantly, stop trying so hard as this will make you look desperate and needy. Reflect for one moment on your flaws and limitations, and then smoothly transition into carefully suppressing this self-awareness. Take all semblances of humility and then, like Elder McKinley says in the Book of Mormon, just turn it off, like a light switch. Look in the mirror and give yourself a little wink. Go ahead and inflate your ego. Sing self-motivational songs like “Everything is Awesome” from “The Lego Movie.” Perhaps you don’t have a fleshed-out resume or quantifiable achievements, but this hardly represents your true value. Remember that as an inexperienced college student with minimum qualifications willing to work for a low salary, you are God’s gift to the job industry — a gold mine of cheap labor. Don’t forget to grin and bear it.
Consider the following tip when writing your resume and cover letter: Include power words that exude confidence and authority — utilize power verbs like “lead,” “manage,” “excel,” “win” and “rise” at the beginning of each sentence.
As you head off to your first job interview, make sure to saunter in like you own the place. Cover your eyes with glamorous, opaque sunglasses and flaunt a designer purse, while wearing a disinterested, expression on your face. If the interviewer says “Tell me about yourself,” confidently respond, “I am the ideal candidate for this position.” When pressed for further explanations, bat your eyelashes and say, “My qualifications speak for themselves.”
When the HR Director asks why this specific company appeals to you, channel your inner April Ludgate and boredly reply, “It’s okay, I guess.” To prevent any further doubts about your apathy, glance down at your phone and pretend to text your friends while the interviewer continues asking pointless questions. Don’t forget to send the company a congratulatory email after the interview, to let it know how fortunate it was to receive the pleasure of your company.
Upon receiving your job offer, abruptly email the employer that you’re no longer interested, as a better opportunity has appeared. This will emphasize what a catch you are. With this helpful career guide, you’ll get a full-time, high-paying job in no less than 10 years. Happy job hunting.