How-To Guru: Keep New Year’s Resolutions

This dreadful Monday marks the end of the holiday season and vacay time. All good things must come to an end, except for our New Year resolutions. Regardless of what your resolutions are, this handy-dandy guide is sure to help you stay true.

Resolution #1: Don’t get fat. What did you get for Christmas? We all got fat, all right. The New Year is an opportunity to address our bulging waistlines. Create a daily workout regimen. Each day grab a motivational donut at Perk’s cafe and then head over to RIMAC. By the time you reach the workout room, you should successfully burn off all the carbs from a single donut. If you choose to pursue further exercise, feel free to munch on bacon-sprinkled maple donuts as you walk slowly on the treadmill. And don’t beat yourself up if you occasionally devour one or three or even 14 donuts and then skip the walk to RIMAC altogether. The most important part of this workout regime is to cultivate your motivation and form positive associations with the word “exercise.”

Resolution #2: Make your love life a priority. In other words, salvage your relationships at all costs. Allow an ex to crawl back into that besotted relationship status with you on Facebook; take that sinking boat and ride it to the bottom of the ocean if you have to. The New Year is no time to be single. Even if your relationship is absolutely miserable, ride that sucker out. The best way to achieve this is to cling to your significant other relentlessly, even when they quite literally throw your crying body out the door. If you can end your day without singing Celine Dion’s “All By Myself,” then give yourself a thumb’s up.

Resolution #3: Set a regular sleep schedule. Of course, when we say regular that really means as regular as sleep can be for a college student. Start by priming your sleep environment. Your bed should be a regular study space where you cram for exams. This forms a link between productivity and your sleep cycle which should also help you to make better grades in the long run. Every night, flip a coin. If you get heads, begin to sleep at 5 a.m. after partying for a good long time and skip the bulk of your classes. Lecture attendance is optional anyway. If you get tails, congratulations! You’re studying all night.

Resolution #4: Separate wants from needs. This is especially useful when creating a budget. Do you need that chocolate bar or do you just really want it? Take it. Now you could’ve wasted your money on an apple or toast, but would that have improved yourself? 

Unleash your inner hedonist and forget about being practical for a little while. Indulge yourself. You deserve it, especially after upholding all the aforementioned resolutions. That is no easy task. Now give yourself a pat on the back for a successful start to the New Year.