That’s right. When Corporate America decided to overstep its boundaries once more and do Thanksgiving a solid — quid pro quo the status quo — our reins of this national holiday began to slip. The commercialization of Thanksgiving, a consumer tumor, has distorted what was once a festive day to celebrate the Pilgrim’s first harvest.
This malignancy has crept closer to Thanksgiving every year. For the clueless nincompoops who aren’t au courant, I’m talking about Black Friday or, more appropriately, Grey Thursday. People are leaving their Thanksgivings earlier every year just to go shopping for Gucci labels sewn onto Goodwill thrifties. As if it could get worse, retail stores like Walmart, Macy’s, Target and Kohl’s have pushed their hours to start as early as 6 p.m. on Thanksgiving, promoting this mindless behavior. Can you believe this asinine bull-caca? Getting caught shopping at these retail stores is punishment enough for your reputation, but perusing their already fifty-percent off sales rack stacked with “Black Friday deals” confirms polarizing levels of basicness in America. Why would you sacrifice time with family and friends just to look like a matron on a budget?
Imagine the already overworked employees: chained by work contracts that have somehow circumvented the unions. Their eyes are dead because they left the family party early to serve slobs that need a last minute dead bird, mustering a “Welcome to Walmart”. It is practically a hate crime to impose these disgusting restrictions on employees so they can part ways early on their Thanksgiving feasts. Alex from Target is crying.
Furthermore, not participating in Grey Thursday does not give anyone a free pass to participate in Black Friday, either. Doors may start flinging open like flying flatulence at midnight, but that leaves no excuse to ditch family. That hideous plaid shirt was there two weeks ago, and five dollars off doesn’t make it any more salvageable. Flat screen televisions should have been purchased before the Super Bowl, not when Best Buy decides to match eBay prices sold by a recluse kleptomaniac. Seasonal blends — whatever Pumpkin Spice Latte knock off is available — at Starbucks will be there for the next two months, so calm your nipples. The only valid excuse for a Black Friday would be half-off textbooks and university tuitions that don’t inflate by five percent each year. It’s an audacious thought that shopping has out-prioritized spending time with people who actually love and care to spend time with you. But I guess if you’re desperate to show off your baggy eyes and lack of consideration, then it’s a perfect match.
This Thanksgiving, be thankful for all the things that you have: family and friends — and mean it. Put away the smartphones and enjoy an intimate evening at home (or on a road trip) with the ones you love the most. Throw on a vinyl of nostalgic jazz music, watch the Super Bowl, listen to your grandmother blather about her experiences with the panini press mammogram at the Geriatrics hospital. Or ignore Upton Sinclair’s “The Jungle” and contribute to the massacre of steroided turkeys. You’ll have plenty of time to shop for deals on the other three hundred and sixty four days of the year, trust.