When getting advice, it is essential to have diverse perspectives. On May 1, two nearly antithetical icons — one of conservative America and the other of conserving grocery costs — presented their perspectives to the students of UC San Diego. 

To honor this historic day and these two unlikely rivals, we would like to share all the takeaways we gathered from Republican political commentator Charlie Kirk, famous s— eater, and third-year UCSD student and Costco Club President Jacob Hoang, famous chicken eater. 

Veni, vidi, vici — or rather, Ch-eni, Ch-idi, Ch-ici? Let’s begin.

Charlie Kirk’s advice 

1. Don’t smoke weed

There are a lot of reasons why you shouldn’t smoke weed. It can weaken your lungs, affect your brain development, and increase cancer risk. Charlie, however, offers a brand new reason to avoid the green devil — smoking weed makes you an obnoxious, blue-haired, pronoun-having liberal. I cannot believe no one has ever studied this horrific phenomenon before. Understanding this is the solution to the American drug crisis. Forget “Just Say No” — “Just Stay Neoliberal” is a far more effective tactic. 

2. Acquire a stay-at-home wife

According to Charlie “Jerk Off” Kirk, the key to maintaining a good home life is having a not-ugly stay-at-home wife who raises your children. I agree! Everybody — the men, women, girls, gays, they/thems, and furries out there — should find a woman and start poppin’ out Young Republicans. Women are simply not meant for work: They are meant to lounge on beach chairs with romance novels and bottomless mimosas. Now, if he could just tell me how to romance such a woman, I would be immensely grateful. 

3. Delete social media

According to C.J., social media is a tool for liberals, not for dunking on them! That’s right — your feed is a subliminal messaging hub for woke-ist homosexual Marxism. For example, Kirk does not use Reddit. Instead, he cares only about “normal people,” referring to those who do not interact with users on said platform. This social media ban includes my employer as well, whose excellent content you can find on Instagram, Twitter, and Reddit. The UCSD Guardian, STOP!

4. Quit vegetarianism

Chaz says you should ditch whatever plant-based diet you are on and “eat whatever meat you want.” Therefore, with Churls’ permission, I’ve decided to ditch vegetarianism and go full carnivore. No more vegetables, just raw chicken and cold butter. Real talk, I have vomited four times today and think I might have measles. Yeah, sure, I could cook the chicken. But as someone who believes in traditional values, the chicken should be eaten as God/ChapChap intended — raw. Jacob Hoang could learn a thing or two from this. 

5. Listen to Charlie Kirk

Watching Chuck absolutely OWN UCSD first-years and “non-affiliates” taught me that one thing is true above all: Chip knows best. Thinking of breaking up with your partner? CharChar says that “time changes, but people do not.” Break up wit dat hideous maiden! Interested in helping the United States devolve into fascism? Chaddy is on it! So, I am handing over our “Life Lessons with Lifestyle” column to my diva, Charlussy. 

Jacob Hoang’s advice

1. Always give it your all 

If there is a lesson to be learned from watching a man run through a crowd eating pieces of a whole rotisserie chicken, it’s that anything is possible when you try your hardest. When The UCSD Guardian sat down for a post-chicken interview with Hoang, he said, “It doesn’t matter what you do as long as you put your best into it. … That’s all that matters.” 

2. Find community in unexpected places 

Watching hundreds of people fill the stands of the Epstein Family Amphitheater to watch someone eat a rotisserie chicken says everything you need to know about the student culture at UCSD. At a time when hope is scarce and people struggle to find inspiration, UCSD students were able to find a beacon of light in the form of a normal guy eating some chicken. “We bleed the same blood, and it was very inspiring for me that I was able to attract a large crowd,” Hoang said. 

3. Friendship reigns supreme 

To Hoang, his community reaches far beyond the aisles of frozen meatballs and Columbia jackets. “Costco Club originally started as a bunch of quirky college students developing a sense of community and belonging by going to Costco together,” Hoang said. No matter who you are or where you get your groceries from, all are welcome in Hoang’s Costco parking lot. Thursday’s event proved that people will go to any length to find community and can bond over the simplest, silliest things. 

4. You can’t do everything alone

As friendship has also taught us, the hardest tasks are accomplished when you have your strongest supporters by your side. At the event, Hoang’s stomach of steel was reinforced by his Costco Club cronies as he ran through the crowd, hand delivering pieces of chicken like he was Chicken Jesus feeding the poor. If that doesn’t scream friendship, I don’t know what does. 

5. Most importantly, have fun

It’s just like the age-old mantra: Do something scared or don’t do it at all. As Hoang said, “No matter what happens — if I throw up on everyone or if I don’t even finish the chicken — I just want to make sure everyone has a good time, a good laugh.” 

Regardless of one’s background, it is evident that there are multiple perspectives on life. Whether you’re a popular conservative political commentator or a young man with a desire to eat a chicken, there is someone out there who will take your advice. Hold onto what resonates and leave what doesn’t — chicken or Charizard, take your pick.