Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Features will resume publishing normal content next week.
In a press release last Tuesday, Chancellor Pradeep Khosla announced that, in accordance with President Donald Trump’s new anti-“woke” initiatives, certain longstanding UC San Diego precedents — such as Thurgood Marshall College’s focus on civil rights and social reform — will be “revised” in the coming months.
“With these initiatives in mind, it is imperative that we stop pushing ideas like ‘solidarity’ and ‘unity’ onto our poor, young students,” Khosla said. “The woke left DEI rhetoric on our campus ends now. What is the most glaring perpetrator of this, you might ask? That’s right: It’s the Marshall College dorms.”
Officially named in Winter Quarter 2019, Marshall dorm names have reflected the college’s focus on “[analyzing] structures of power and privilege within society,” through names such as Justice, Knowledge, and Liberation.
“It’s almost like the school is trying to turn America’s youth into a bunch of sensitive little snowflakes,” said Chadwick Kingsbury, a representative from the Department of Education. “It is simply unacceptable to force values like ‘justice’ and ‘human rights’ upon the poor, impressionable younger generations.”
The school announced new names for the Marshall Upper Apartments and Residence Halls in an email four days later. In the announcement, Khosla explained that the dorms’ new focus will be on “schooling and professional development.” He further elaborated and asked, “Isn’t that what we should really be here for, anyway?”
According to the announcement, the new names “will be much more relatable and appropriate for our residents, and inspire them to work even harder and be more productive than ever before.” For example, the Marshall Upper Apartments will henceforth be known as “GED, Higher Education, Job, Kollege, Lecture, [and] Midterm.”
In the week following the announcement, students have taken to social media to speak out against the change. “Honestly, I couldn’t give less of a [s—] what my building is called,” wrote second-year Marshall resident Steven Stevenson in a post on X, formerly known as Twitter. “How am I supposed to ‘relate’ to these, anyway? Marshall Upper Apartment: Job? Like I’m going to get one of those in this economy?”
