CalTech, MIT, the Jimmy Neutron Academy of Self-Important STEM Majors — these are all science-focused universities that UCSD aspires to be.
However, one prickly group of individuals stands in our way of evolving into this 21st century dream, this morally devoid utopia: arts and hu…arts and human….arts and humanities major. There. I said it. Forgive me, Newton, for I have sinned and spoken the unspeakable.
It is far overdue that we rid our campus of these idealistic, “morally and socially conscious” mongrols. They must be eradicated — nay, exterminated! The following departments are no longer useful to us as an academic institution: history, music, literature, philosophy, theatre & dance and visual arts.
However, since we are scientists, we cannot just murder all these innocent, naive students. Imagine what consequences eliminating such a rare species would have on biodiversity. Their bodies — for that is all we humans are, bodies — must be put to practical use. They must be offered to the altar of research. They must be sacrificed in the name of discovery! All hail science! 1010011010!
That is why we, the UCSD Guardian Editorial Board, urge Chancellor Pradeep Khosla to immediately sign an Executive Order mandating that all laboratory rats be replaced with arts and humanities majors. We know it sounds disturbing, but it’ll be physical suffering at worst and death at best. It’ll be just like the Hunger Games, but without all the excessive fashion. And who doesn’t enjoy the Hunger Games (not counting those who actually participate)? May the odds be ever against their favor.
Still not on board? Then, you must not be thinking of all the poor little mice that can be saved by this plan. One story we’ve been told is of a undergraduate research assistant whose job it was to drill holes in the skulls of rats. However, due to his incompetence — he probably enrolled in one too many Yoko Ono courses — he repeatedly missed his target and drilled into their brains instead, killing each of their poor little souls. Now imagine if the student was drilling into the brains of theatre majors instead. Though their brains might be harder to find than those of rats, we will ensure that by the end of this program, no brain of an arts and humanities major will be left hole-less!
We know this campaign to eliminate critical thinking from our campus may seem out of reach, but look around you, it’s already happening. Everywhere you turn, what do you see? A painting? No, you see the technological glory of a hoverboard whizzing past you on its way to mechanical thermobiochemphysiochem physics class. Pretty soon, each person will be riding one of these life-nourishing contraptions from science building to science building. And you know what they’ll be doing in each of these classes? Experimenting on arts and humanities majors.
Furthermore, university officials — bless their souls with HCl — have already unofficially commenced this educational cleanse. They’ve caused more damage to the arts and humanities in a few years than what most research universities have dreamed of doing for decades. We at the Guardian applaud their daring accomplishments. Paint over the walls of Graffiti Hall. Check. Shut down the University Art Gallery. Check. Extinguish all enthusiasm for creative expression. Did someone finish their meal because CHECK.
Thus, our proposal is neither groundbreaking nor too disparate from our reality. It’s merely an extension of what we have recently witnessed at our university: artistic and creative degradation — the key to our future. To fully realize this paradise, our leaders must come out of their chemistry closets and confess their empiricist biases. No more beating around the HSS bushes. It is time for us to collectively and explicitly denounce those who are holding us back and bend them to our nature-endowed will. It is time for us to say enough is enough with the one percent of our campus — arts and humanities majors — not pulling their own weight. It is time that we take them to the lab and pull it for them.
