UC Officials Replace Faculty Pensions with Dave & Buster’s Coupons

    Photo courtesy of Dave & Busters
    Photo courtesy of Dave & Busters

    The University of California Board of Regents announced that it has chosen to forgo the distribution of pensions in favor of new retirement benefits: Dave & Buster’s coupons.

    UC President Janet Napolitano spoke with the UCSD Guardian about the rationale behind the announcement over several of D&B’s signature Angry Balls cocktails.

    “The Board of Regents takes great pride in its keen understanding of what the UC workforce wants,” Napolitano said, sipping from her third cocktail of the night.

    According to Napolitano, the proposal was being considered as early as eight years ago, but the economic recession delayed its implementation.

    “The recession hit Dave & Buster’s pretty hard,” Napolitano explained. “You can’t expect faculty to accept using these benefits if all the local D&B’s have gone under. That’s unfair to employees.”

    After pounding down the rest of her drink, Napolitano stressed that coupons would be worth somewhere between 30 and 40 percent.

    “We’d push for more, but we’re not made of money,” Napolitano slurred. “But let me tell you: This place is fucking worth it.”

    When asked about the fate of the money already paid into the pension system, Napolitano ignored the question, instead stumbling away towards the skeeball machine.

    UC employees can expect the new retirement plan to take effect starting in June.

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