Warning: The following review is intended only for readers with a sense of sarcasm.
Rating 2.0/5.0
Directed by Brad Peyton
Starring Dwayne Johnson, Carla Gugino, Alexandra Daddario, Ioan Gruffudd
Rated PG-13
Release Date: May 29
There are movies that come along and challenge your mind with excellent cinematography and social commentary. These elements constantly intertwine with each other to create an experience you’ll never forget. “San Andreas” does everything right and brings nothing but sheer brilliance for the intelligent and analytical audience to embrace.
To understand everything right with San Andreas, one must understand that disaster movies are the greatest thing to happen to the movie industry since Michael Bay. The movie cuts all that bullshit about boring dialogue and pacing and focuses on what today’s brilliant individuals really want. They want to see San Francisco completely demolish everybody without any of that boring stuff like character development or creativity to get in the way.
The characters follow a formulaic checklist inspired by such great classics as “2012,” “Independence Day,” “The Day after Tomorrow,” and 1998’s “Godzilla.” Awkward white nerd? Check. Sexy daughter? Check. Divorced mother? Check. Asshole new boyfriend that gets shitfaced by the disaster? Check. These are characters that will surely stand the test of time with unforgettable dialogue like “God help us all.”
And what does this brilliant and intelligent movie end with? Dwayne Johnson, with his five-star acting as seen in the all-time favorite “Tooth Fairy,” stares into the sunset and proudly says “We will rebuild” as the American flag rolls down the Golden Gate Bridge. It takes a true genius to understand the complexities and brilliance of the 9/11-esque ending happening in a 2015 movie: the patriotism, the hopeful music, the obviously not outdated message — brilliant.
Remember the second highest grossing film of all time, James Cameron’s “Titanic”? That was such a terrible disaster movie. The destruction of the ship didn’t even happen until the last 30 minutes of the movie. That’s just insulting to the audience’s intelligence. What’s worst of all, “Titanic” uses the perspectives of two main characters in love so the audience can learn about the different problems that the Titanic had, such as the lack of lifeboats, the freezing temperatures and the chaos that ended up killing people. Why would the audience want any of that boring shit? Just give us the 15-minute clip of the ship sinking already. Why waste time with social commentary and insight on the situations that caused one of the greatest disasters in history? The audience is too smart for that.
“San Andreas” shows what truly is the best way to create a disaster movie. Cut all the bullshit, cut all the characters and the stuff no one cares about and just focus on the destruction of everything that you’ve ever loved. Most movies have terrible dialogue and awful plot development, which is why directors and writers without the gift of intelligence make movies that rely only on special effects and explosions. Though tragic that the movie industry has stooped so low, there is hope because movies like “San Andreas” push the boundaries of cinema and art to new levels and greater heights.
