Dear readers, I am sad to inform you that not all is well with your beloved columnist as of late. During this past month, I had to end my relationship with the person I have been dating for a while. Some of you may be familiar with him because he has been mentioned a good couple of times in the history of this column, and mostly in a good way. Now, it was a thing that needed to be done because of lots of reasons no one has paid me to list, so we won’t go over those.
What we will go over, however, is breakup sex.
I’d like to start by saying that it’s not something for everyone. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s not something that’s for me either, but maybe that will be something we can discuss next time around when I’ve ironed things out a bit more.
Anyway, there are people out there that will say breakup sex is the most “mind-blowing” sex you can have. (Why is good sex always called mind-blowing? I’m sorry, I’m irrationally angry.) This is an argument that has some merit. There are a lot of reasons people will tell you this. Now that the commitment is gone, so are any inhibitions you might have harbored. You’re finally free to be as crazy in bed as you can be because you no longer have to worry about scaring your partner away.
For me, I think the flare comes from the fact that both of you know that you’re moving on, and there’s a mutual understanding that since this is the final note, it has to be good. You want to go out with a bang — so to speak — not a squeak. And so, you pull out all the stops. Maybe there’s something to that no-more-inhibition thing after all. I also did a little research to see the man side of things, but I stopped when one of the reasons breakup sex was said to be awesome was because semen chemistry will change to cause spontaneous ovulation. Not once have I had my mind blown by ovulation, so that’s off the table.
The thing is, for most people at least, breakup sex cannot remain all by itself in a vacuum of intense, uninhibited sensations. There are all kinds of emotions tangled up in there, for both people involved. Sure, you can tell yourself, “Of course I can do this no strings attached — I made my choice, and I’m sticking to it and this is just for fun!” But you probably won’t mean it. Unless you are far more badass than me — which is entirely possible because I am not very badass when it comes to being emotionally uninvolved — I’d say our attempt at fun was, at best, pretty misguided. It opened up a lot of issues that I had hoped had finally been closed and drew out the process of breaking up to even more painful levels.
I guess what I’m getting at here is that I don’t recommend having breakup sex. Sure, it’ll be “mind-blowing” (maybe), but all the lingering doubts and all the questions it’ll raise for you afterward just aren’t worth it.