I felt there were a few topics that would have tied in nicely — how to control your body enough to have at least somewhat-satisfying sex while inebriated, how to avoid accidentally flashing the Guardian’s sex columnist, or how to tell whether or not you’re still in public when you start getting at your partner in the grass.

But in my effort to use my own mistakes as lessons for the good of man and womankind alike,  I instead chose to share one of my more personally disappointing moments. This situation is not of the most glamorous ones to be in, but it undoubtedly has happened to everyone at some point. And if it hasn’t, it will soon enough. I speak of the occurrence of the dreaded “whiskey dick” phenomenon. For those not in the know, whiskey dick refers to the inability of a male partner to perform sexually after consuming too much alcohol, which can prevent erections because of its effect on the blood vessels of the penis. This is especially tragic because alcohol often makes the idea of having sex so much more appealing, not to mention it tends to make people much more appealing in general.

I’m sure it’s obvious how whiskey dick ties into the Sun God Festival, as I’m sure it was obvious to notice the widespread gleeful intoxication. And while I must admit that I did not bring anyone home for a disappointing escapade this year, the whiskey dick experience need not fall on a holiday to be universal. The story is brief but heartbreaking. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a one-time occurrence, but the first time is the most memorable. Your always-classy sex columnist and her partner at the time drank too much one evening, and one thing led to another. We were undressed and ready to go, engaging in challenges engendered only by liquid-fueled impulsiveness, and … nothing. As much as we tried, and in spite of his insistence that one more minute would do the trick, there was no response. We eventually gave up, not because we are quitters, but because we were tired out.

Crying yet?

My first impulse was to be frustrated and upset. This was exacerbated alcohol induced emotions, and it can be easy to blame yourself for something that has less to do with you and more to do with Jack Daniels. It’s not because you’re not sexy or because you don’t know what you’re doing, but it’s always important to keep communication channels open even when you’re not quite on top of your game.

Alternately, you might feel like blaming your partner for performance inadequacies, though in this case, it’s more productive to blame their drinking habits than anything else. For most people, shouting or crying will not facilitate a boner, so that discussion might best be saved for a calmer time. More than anything, this calls for you and your partner to be willing to laugh at yourselves. 

Bumps in the road like this happen all the time, and no one gains anything by busting a blood vessel over it. Perhaps this column returns to this theme often, but I believe that sex should be fun, and most of the time, it really is funny if you stop to think about it. Get a laugh out of it, sleep it off and hopefully make up for it in the morning.