Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Lifestyle will resume publishing normal content next week.
Done with Yak Match and Ditto AI? Look no further than this special edition of The UCSD Guardian to find your forever study buddy.
Name: (House) Hunter
Major & College: Real estate and development, Earl Warren College
Hometown: Pepper Pike, OH
About me: Clean, non-smoker, no pets. I am willing to share a bed; I am 5 foot 5 inches, so space will not be an issue. Currently in the process of subleasing a dorm in Warren.
Looking for: A beautiful woman with guaranteed housing in the new Marshall College buildings who enjoys long walks to Goody’s Marketplace. Looking forward to starting a life together in a modern, moldless apartment.
Name: Calvin Saikel
Major & College: Human biology, Seventh College
Hometown: Bay Area, CA
About me: Pre-med. Fascinated by Meiosis I and Meiosis II. Tired of studying the science of life, let’s instead create one … or two. Did I mention I’m also taking organic chemistry? Very talented at spicing things up periodically on the table.
Looking for: Something casual that I can fit in between my clinical hours, three rigorous labs, classes, and strict gym schedule. Even open to trying out polyamory. And for the record, it’s not commitment issues, it’s called being busy … and maybe a little desperate.
Name: Player of the Game
Major & College: Business economics, Thurgood Marshall College
Hometown: Los Angeles, CA
About me: Soon-to-be NBA All-Star, current intramural benchwarmer. Playa on the court, but never with your heart. Never missed a free throw, so lemme shoot my shot at you, baby. My first love is Lebron, but you can be my second. JK. Don’t hate the player, hate the game, shawty.
Looking for: A WAG — wealthy ahh girl. MUST come to all my games, even if the only three I’m droppin is bandz spent on new shoes. MUST have an ESPN subscription — mine got canceled bcuz all my money went 2 my sick new pair of bball shoez. Oh yeah, another MUST is to help fund my passion by livestreaming the games on TikTok. ESPN declined a partnership for whatever reason??
Name: Your Rotten Little Tomato
Major & College: Philosophy, Revelle College
Hometown: Santa Cruz, CA
About me: Self-identified film expert. I’ll spend about as much time on you as I do on my Letterboxd. And before you ask — my top four are “American Psycho,” “The Wolf of Wall Street,” “Marty Supreme,” and “Joker.” Yeah, it’s a bit niche, but don’t worry, I’ll help you set up your account and maybe even like a few of your reviews.
Looking for: A test audience for my upcoming indie French film. And possibly also a French tutor.
Name: Batman
Major & College: Unaffiliated
Hometown: Gotham
About me: You may have seen me around campus late at night. Captured foes like the multiple UC San Diego Pissers. No, I can’t take off my mask and I definitely won’t be shaving my mustache off anytime soon. Working hours between 11 p.m. to 5 a.m — other than that, I’m all yours.
Looking for: A sidekick or butler. Preferably not on the Associated Students Executive Board.
Name: Celeste Starr
Major & College: Astronomy, John Muir College
Hometown: New York City, NY
About me: Sun sign: Pisces; Moon sign: Taurus; Rising sign: Leo. My horoscope said to put myself out there again, so here I am! Don’t contact me when Mercury is in retrograde.
Looking for: My star-crossed lover. Someone to deeply analyze my horoscope and check Co-Star every hour with. My psychic told me that a gorgeous 6-foot Scorpio would be my Doordash driver. Absolutely NO Geminis!
Name: Rhysand
Hometown: Edinburgh, Scotland (in this lifetime)
Major & College: Literary arts, Sixth College
About me: Recently self-published feminist literature on Substack delving into the complexities of womanhood. Avid listener of Geese and Enya. I’ve been told I look like Jacob Elordi in “Wuthering Heights,” specifically when he’s lifting the bales of hay in the stable, but sporting the sensitive soul of Susan B. Anthony.
Looking for: Someone who loves “The Bell Jar” as much as I do and wants me to carry both of our annotated copies in my tote bag.
Name: Carrot
Hometown: The Soil, The Ground
Major & College: Environmental systems, John Muir College
About me: I don’t have jaundice, this is just me.
Looking for: A fellow veggie. Must come organic and prewashed.
Name: Patrick Fitzgerald IV
Hometown: Washington, D.C.
Major & College: Political science, Earl Warren College
About me: Proponent of the military draft and biological warfare to be used in the war in Iran. I daylight as a canvasser on Library Walk. You can find me by slot 53, handing out petitions to test nuclear weapons on the homeless and legalize bestiality in California!
Looking for: A trophy wife, one who polishes my case as a politically correct woman with no hopes or ambitions other than to support my lifetime tenure as a senator. Preferably wears pencil skirts and loves to golf. Dreams of visiting Mar-a-Lago and playing a round with the president.
Name: Skye
Hometown: Boston, MA
Major & College: Anthropology, Thurgood Marshall College
About me: Loves thrifting, gardening, and late night existential conversations. I have 11 cats, considering getting a third, and I roller derby on the weekends. A tank, jorts, and tats are my go-to style. I can also make fabulous lattes!
Looking for: Someone I can trauma dump to on the first date. We can get a studio apartment and live together after only a week of knowing each other. Must be chill with me hanging out with my exes. Must love my cats!
