We all know that there is a lot of dating protocol.

For example, do not spit on your date unless specifically requested to do so by said person. Do not mention how good his or her sibling is in bed. And my personal favorite: Do not promise to call, even though there is no way in hell you would ever go out with the same transvestite twice.

Clearly, we are saturated with rules about how to act on a date. But you know what our society is seriously lacking? Some sort of protocol that lets you know when you are being asked out in the first place.

If you think about it, this is crucial to the whole dating experience. You can’t know whether it’s risky to eat garlic unless you first know whether you are in fact on a date.

So how are you supposed to know when you’re being asked out? Most of you have figured out from past experiences that it’s nearly impossible to know for sure.

Say a guy asks a girl if she wants to study with him. Is that a date?

Let’s examine this from all sides. It’s studying, which is school-related and not at all romantic. But, if they go to a coffee shop — a place clearly off campus and thus part of the outside, potential dating world — does that make it a date? What if he buys her coffee? What if they have a non-school-related conversation?

There is nothing worse than thinking you are on a date when the person you’re with barely registers that he or she could sleep with you — except maybe that feeling you get when you really want to sneeze but can’t, because that is pretty awful, too.

This is why there clearly needs to be some sort of standard way to ask people out. (And also some sort of sneeze-inducer.)

Understandably, guys rarely want to blatantly say, “”Hey, wanna go out on a date with me?”” Phrasing it like that really doesn’t give a girl much room for an easy letdown. All you’re really asking for there is a straight yes or no, and a no would suck.

Men, being the ultraprotective nurturers of their egos that they are, have developed a way of asking girls to do things with them in such a way that it is never really clear whether it’s a date. That way, should the girl say no, he can always pretend he never asked her out.

That’s all well and good, and I really do have sympathy for the guts it must take to ask out another human being.

But it is time for a change. Women want it to be clear when we are being asked on dates. We want to know what is expected of us, and we want to know what we can expect from you — which, by the way, will always be more than you should have to give.

In other words, we want you to shove your egos up your asses.

When a guy wants to ask a girl out for a date — any old kind will do — he should recite certain lines that will allow his female interest to understand his intentions and then respond accordingly. First, the set-up:

Guy: I really want to see “”Spider-Man”” this weekend.

Girl: Yeah, me too.

Good! The girl is showing interest and indicating that the two could potentially participate in a mutual activity.

Guy: Well, I was thinking about going tomorrow night. Do you want to come with me?

OK, here is where we will insert the standard dating ritual that I propose should be part of every conversation of this nature.

Guy: Should you respond in the affirmative, I will take that to mean you find me an attractive male specimen and will be consenting to a date with me. To answer yes and go out with me, say “”yes”” now. To turn me down, say “”no”” and then walk quickly away so you don’t see me uneasily try to recover my manhood.

See? Was that so hard? Of course not.

Now all the girl has to do is make a choice, and the whole thing is settled. No confusion, no small talk.

So basically, I urge you all to use my patented Date Request Protocol model to help make the world an easier place for both sexes to live in. But don’t use it to ask someone to see “”Spider-Man”” with you — it sucked.