Marky Mark and His Funky Crotch

    Hey buddy. Yeah you, the big guy with the expensive haircut. Come over here a second and let me give you a bit of advice that will be of use to you now that you are a free man after that outrageous trial.

    Here it is; listen closely: Do not force yourself on underage girls in your family bathroom at an after-prom party! Oh, and another thing: You are a famous professional football player with millions of dollars! You can probably find a chick or two who would actually willingly get down with you. You wouldn’t even have to force them into the bathroom and soil your wife’s new towel set.

    OK, OK, so according to the U.S. court system, this alleged incident did not actually occur. But if you listened to Mark Chmura’s post-trial comments to the press, you might not believe the court’s decision. When asked what he was going to do now that he has been acquitted, he fixed his eyes on the camera with one of his smirks and retorted, “”I’m going to Disneyworld.””

    Now, it is common knowledge that Disneyworld is populated with mostly teens, and the plethora of available “”YM””-reading gals makes it a perfect place for a fellow like Mark to take a trip.

    However, while most of us associate Disneyworld with the famed amusement park, Chmura was actually talking about Disneyworld High School, located about a half-hour from his house. There were going to be some awesome keggers there this weekend … and the girls there are supposedly more tight-lipped than his previous high school “”date.””

    You really can’t blame a guy like Chmura for going through this phase of lusting after teenage girls. Most guys have gone through it, including me. I believe I referred to this period as “”high school,”” and if I remember correctly, I was an underage feller myself during that time. Now, while most of us grow out of this by our 18th birthday, remember that people mature at different paces, and some people never mature at all.

    Remember, Chmura, there are plenty of ladies around, and lots of them actually will not imprison you. Watching you fidget around in court all day, like so many of your NFL brethren before you, became a fixture for many a couch potato, and the whole bunch of them were pondering the same thing: Here is a family man, a prosperous young celebrity with nary a care in the world and a job that many would kill for. The perfect life. So let’s see, what to do, what to do … I know, let’s try to hook up with a wee little high schooler partying after returning home from a dance in her ribbon and banner-strung school gymnasium. Yes, Markie, I know, I have seen the Britney Spears videos too and I understand the effect they can have on a man. But please, you can easily persuade many an elder lass to garb themselves in those very same schoolgirl skirts and knee-high socks.

    Luckily you told Cochran and F. Lee to shelf the “”Christina Aguilera made me do it”” defense or the outcome to your trial might have been different. But luckily you emerged a free man, and now with all your newfound free time you should cruise on down to San Diego; it’s got more high schools per square block than most places, and with all the spring birthdays, a good number of the ladies will now be as legal as the day is long. And on top of that there are also plenty of bubblin’ Jacuzzis in which to do your thing.

    Party on Mark, party on.

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