Admit it: You love Facebook. In fact, I’d say that we’re all
borderline addicted to the social networking Web site. Some of us check it once
a day and some of us check it 13 times a day. And then there are others who
check Facebook so often they instinctively type “facebook.com” in the browser
when they mean to type something else. (I’m guilty as charged.)

I have to give Facebook credit. Granted, the “news feed” is
kind of creepy, but at the same time it’s so incredibly necessary. I mean, how
else would you find out that one of your suitemates from freshman year who you
don’t talk to anymore joined the group “It’s Not My Fault What You Said Can Be
Misconstrued as a Sexual Innuendo” or “I Have a Crotch Staring Problem”?

Even though people threw a fit when the “news feed”
premiered, no one says a word about it now. New photos? Click. So-and-so is
listed as “in a relationship.” Click. Joe Schmoe added paninis to his
interests. Definitely click.

But for all of Facebook’s glory and all the nights I’ve
spent staring aimlessly at my own profile — you know you do it too — for the
love of Mark Zuckerberg, I need to call some people out.

First of all, the “untag” function was invented for a
reason. I’m tired of clicking “view more photos,” only to discover a page of
Person X cuddling with her nasty dog. I don’t want to see that; show me
something entertaining and/or hot — or else untag it.

So the next time one of your friends decides to upload an
album from last night’s stupid “Golf Pros and Tennis Hoes” party, please do us
all a favor and go through them before the world sees your red, blotchy,
mouth-wide-open face at an odd diagonal angle and decides you’re no longer
“Facebook hot.” Seriously, it’s for your own good.

Another thing: Every single Facebook Application (with the
notable exception of “graffiti wall”) is, for lack of a better word, retarded.
Why the hell would I want to join “flower shop” or “(fluff)friends”? Do people
actually need that dumb “aquarium” function? How about buying me a real drink
instead of sending me some fugly icon on “happy hour!”? And when did you become
so cheap that you can’t spend $1 to send me a real gift? I mean, the free gifts
aren’t even limited edition.

I can keep going, and I will.

No, I’m not going to bite, chest bump, dropkick, grope,
headbutt, high five, hug, kiss, lick, pet, pinch, slap, spank, sucker punch,
throw a sheep at, tickle, trip or worship you. If you thought poking was weird,
how creepy is online tickling? And why would you want someone to virtually pet
you? The only action on that list I would even consider doing is throwing a
(life-size) sheep, but that’s a topic for a different day.

If I actually wanted to know about your “causes,” your
heritage or where you’ve been, I would ask. And “iLike”? Still don’t care. All
these things do is convolute your page and make it more difficult for me to
locate your “wall-to-wall” link.

There’s just one more thing I need to say about
applications. What’s with the vampire/werewolf/pirate/ninja/zombie bullshit? To
everyone who keeps sending me invitations: I haven’t joined now, and I never
will. So stop, for real.

Moving on: Sorry, but when I say I’m “maybe attending” your
event, nine times out of 10 I’m not going. It’s not really anything personal,
it’s just that I don’t want to attend “Scrum by the Sea!!!” or “Rainbow
Festival and Conference.” And as much as I wish I could bring myself to watch a
“Health Care Debate Panel,” I’m going to have to take a raincheck — forever.

Finally, I have to say that everyone should really be wary
of two things: their individual wall-writing strategies and their “mini-feed.”
It’s obvious that when you click “wall-to-wall” between two random friends and
notice that Person A has left 19 comments to Person B’s two, there’s a problem
there for all your friends to see. So keep it in check.

And bitch, I know you got that message I sent you three days
ago because I can see the activity in your “mini-feed”; it says you’ve been too
busy commenting on your friend’s photos to write me back.

Like it or not, Facebook is definitely an important part in
all of our lives. (What else would we do when we’re procrastinating on our
biology reading?)

Nearly everyone uses Facebook, and for good reason. It has
become a way to stay connected with friends at all hours of the night while
simultaneously serving as a means for us to invent — and skillfully embellish,
if you’re a real pro — a virtual identity for ourselves. And I’m not saying
that this identity should be abandoned. I just think that people need to
fine-tune their Facebooking techniques or risk looking like an idiot, or worse.

Now, please excuse me while I update my status: Matthew is
looking for random play.