SAT returns to California
UC San Diego’s admissions report that found that nearly one-eighth of incoming students lack eighth-grade level math skills has led critics to call for the reinstatement of standardized testing in California. The Wall Street Journal’s editorial board published an opinion piece arguing that UCSD’s increasing deficiencies are due to the lack of SAT requirements. Famously, standardized test scores indicate more about an applicant’s financial background and not ability, but hey, that’s pretty much the same as what’s happening now! And, as we all know, The Wall Street Journal’s editorial board only spits facts. We know the UC can’t seem to do anything right to get Trump’s approval; maybe it’ll do a complete 180 (or is it 360?), stop licking Trump’s boot, capitulate to his least favorite rag — I mean, mag — and finally earn some public goodwill. Let’s get that public trust back and return to the classism of yore. Add that up, or whatever.
Age trumps Trump
One thing all men share is death — even Trump, whose great age of 79 has caught up to him. Quiet, piggy! Newfound speculation from trusted sources (my eyes) about his bruised hands, nap times, and public dis-appearances have become increasingly evident. Let him rest in hospice, please! Though The UCSD Guardian, among others, is not allowed to cover his presidency, I can personally say that his age is not just physical, but also mental. The president has access to the best healthcare the universe could offer, but even he is susceptible to the whims of time. I don’t know that he’ll make it another year, meaning we might have to endure edited photos of President JD Vance forever. Shudder.
Democrats sweep the midterms. Just kidding!
Trump’s plummeting poll numbers have created a tremendous opportunity for Democrats in the 2026 midterms, with the House and 33 Senate seats up for grabs. As history foretells, this obviously means nothing. See you in 2028, I guess.
UCSD finally makes mainstream news in a Trump rant
If you won’t give us our National Institutes of Health money back, it’s time that UCSD finally at least gets our federal-level dues via Truth Social. There are so many things Trump could complain about — too many minorities in Geisel Library, the Sun God Festival lineup, or how the UCSD Pisser and Gooner continue to evade justice. Or, and this is a good one, maybe he can finally give credit where credit is due: How could his prisons look so chic if not for the inspiration John Muir College provides? The possibilities are endless. Hit me up for more ideas, Mr. President. We can chat over Taco Bell together, hopefully.
