Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Features will resume publishing normal content next week.
As the chaos of free agency comes to a close, sights are now set on the 2025 NFL Draft and the Tennessee Titans’ No. 1 overall pick. The Titans’ severe lack of star-power last season resulted in a lackluster 3-14 record, creating high expectations for them to succeed in this upcoming draft. Tennessee is left with glaring needs in about every corner on their roster, but this upcoming draft may contain the perfect answer to their prayers.
I am, of course, referring to the prominent 8-year-old athlete from New Jersey: Christian “The Rizzler” Joseph. With President Donald Trump’s recent elimination of the 1938 Fair Labor Standards Act, the NFL’s three-year rule was voided, which gives players a chance to join the league at wildly young ages. With this update to the NFL’s draft system, many have questioned whether the Titans should take a chance on The Rizzler or if they should stick to their original draft plans and take Cam Ward, Travis Hunter, or Abdul Carter.
While it may be less of a risk to take the quarterback from Miami, the most recent Heisman winner, or the top edge rusher in this class, the “boom” factor that comes with drafting The Rizzler is just too much to pass up.
Without a doubt, the majority of draft analysts have doubted The Rizzler for his supposed immaturity and small stature.
The bulk of The Rizzler’s character concerns stem from his never-before-seen youth as an NFL prospect, resulting in various sports writers only seeing him as a kid that will easily crack under the adult pressures of the league. In terms of physical concerns, The Rizzler’s 3-foot-7-inch stature and 84-lb. weigh-in put him at the ten thousandth percentile of all draft measurements in NFL history.
Despite these troubling drawbacks surrounding The Rizzler, the prospect’s illustrious media history and outstanding combine numbers prove his value in this year’s draft.
The young player has proven his undeniable leadership ability throughout the TikTok famous “Costco Guys Universe,” where the prodigy has garnered the undying respect of media personalities much older than himself. To gain such insurmountable respect in an unscripted program as popular as the Costco Guys Universe, The Rizzler has showcased an incredibly mature disposition that can surely sway the likes of an NFL locker room.
To pair with his captain-destined personality, The Rizzler displayed his godly athleticism at this year’s combine. As an omni-positional NFL prospect, The Rizzler participated in every possible combine drill and set new records in each one. The wonder kid’s most notable records were his 3.52-second 40-yard dash, 203-inch broad jump, 69-inch vertical jump, 4.16-second three-cone drill, and 55 reps on the bench press. Each one of these numbers completely eclipses the previous combine records, proving that The Rizzler’s size has no effect on his unparalleled athleticism.
Many have compared The Rizzler to the likes of Colts quarterback Anthony Richardson and free-agent wide receiver John Ross, two players that were drafted highly for their combine numbers regardless of their bland college tape. The Rizzler exemplifies these traits at an unseen level, having the greatest combine numbers in history while lacking literally any football playing experience or record at all.
However, The Rizzler’s youth and athleticism make him the perfect project pick for any team to nab, especially the Tennessee Titans. Although it may be a minor gamble to take such a raw talent, the benefits of receiving the next face of the league at only 8 years old is beyond belief. If he succeeds in his first few seasons, The Rizzler will be a staple of the Tennessee Titans for the next 30 or more years, becoming an indomitable pillar in their potentially titanic dynasty.
