Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. News will resume publishing normal content next week.
A giant swarm of thousands of raccoons unexpectedly stampeded UC San Diego’s administrative offices and successfully overthrew the University’s administration on March 30, at around 6:53 a.m.
The raccoons seem to be led by a charismatic raccoon named Nibbles. In a statement sent out to all students following the successful coup, Nibbles assured students and faculty that peace and order will be re-established.
“Hiss hiss screech,” the statement read.
Chancellor Pradeep Khosla was forced into exile at nearby UC Irvine, where he addressed his ouster to the press.
“Those darn raccoons,” Khosla said. “I mean, am I complaining about an extended leave of absence? No. But I am not looking forward to explaining to the Regents how I screwed the pooch on letting some raccoons surmount a successful ploy to usurp me of my throne.”
As is well documented, UC Davis and California Polytechnic State University, San Luis Obispo
have been under the cow regime for the past five years. With the rise of the raccoon government at UCSD, it is possible that the longstanding human-led regimes across California’s university systems may be coming to a close.
The University of California Regents have acknowledged the transfer of leadership at UCSD. As part of a potential peace deal, the Regents offered Nibbles a position as chancellor with an increased salary of $10 million per year. It is unknown if Nibbles has agreed to these terms.
Nibbles and his new government answered questions in a press conference held at 3 p.m. in front of Geisel Library.
“Hiss hiss grr,” Nibbles said, addressing how the incoming administration will respond to the current economic state of the world.
During the press conference, Nibbles revealed that his regime’s first priority is to remove all trash can lids throughout campus.
However, when asked by The UCSD Guardian what the new regime will do to improve the experience for students, Nibbles demurred.
“Well, that’s a very nuanced question,” he said. “And a really great question honestly. You know, not a lot of people know this about me, but I actually am the best at answering questions — it’s true, it’s true in many ways, in many ways that you, frankly, can’t even understand. And there’s many such cases where this is the case, but they tell me, ‘oh Nibbles you answer questions so well,’ and you just love to see it don’t you.”
Nibbles further added, “But, to answer your question, we are going to do literally nothing different.”
