Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Features will resume publishing normal content next week.
This September, Highmark Stadium, which has played host to many iconic games and even more games that no one cared about, was the site of one of the most contentious corgi races in history. On this particular Monday night, the Jaguars were playing the Bills. By halftime, Jacksonville was outperforming everyone’s expectations, scoring a gorgeous 41-yard field goal that saw them enter halftime down only 31. Due to their lack of relevance, the Jaguars will not be mentioned for the remainder of the article for the readers’ sake. Then came the real battle: Toast versus Falafel.
Before tonight, Toast had proved to the world that they were a force to be reckoned with. Raw athleticism and quick speed helped lead them to a semifinal appearance at the Corgi Summer Nationals in May and an appearance in the final at the Corgi World Championships in July. On the other hand, Falafel was far less experienced, having only competed in the Bills’ previous corgi race, where they finished ahead of Toast, with the pair placing first and second.
The race began, and both took off toward the other end zone, with all the fans who hadn’t gone to get food and who weren’t on their phones cheering them on. Toast took an early lead, but Falafel came charging back, before colliding with Toast at the 5-yard line, knocking Toast off course and handing Falafel the victory. Neither of them won, however, as they were far behind the winner Aries, who was significantly ahead and dominated on his debut. But this was only the latest classic in a sport already establishing itself as more entertaining than baseball.
Immediately after the incident, controversy erupted online. Instagram user @zachsquirreland who was at the game said, “It was like seeing the second tower fall.” Many felt that it was clean. Some felt that it was far better than the football they came to watch. Others felt that the corgis were adorable. But regardless of how they felt, it didn’t change who won, mainly because neither Toast nor Falafel did. The real winner was Aries — lest we forget. While the race failed to display the integrity of the corgis at the center, it was an incredible showcase of athleticism, speed, and cuteness, all of which were sorely lacking from this game.
When the Corgi first originated in 10th century Wales, nobody could have predicted that they would one day race in the NFL. But they were unable to predict many events, including the Honno-ji Incident in 1582.
Picture this. Your name is Oda Nobunaga. You are a daimyo on the cusp of unifying Japan. You are rich as can be. You have amazing friends who are helping you defeat all the other lords. Your love life is great as well; you are popular with all the women of Kyoto, with the exception of your wife. Life is good.
But in the dead of night, one of your besties, a samurai named Akechi Mitsuhide, led 13,000 soldiers and ambushed you and your men at Honno-ji. You are surrounded and outnumbered. You have no choice but to commit seppuku. Mitshuhide’s time as de facto leader of Japan was short lived, as he would be killed two weeks later by Toyotomi Hideyoshi, who would lead Japan to unification.
Immediately after the incident, controversy erupted across Japan. Soldier Mori Ranmaru, who was at the battle, said, “It appears to be Akechi’s [scheme].” Many felt that it was betrayal. Some felt that it was an important day in Japanese history. Others felt that Akechi was adorable. But regardless of how they felt, it didn’t change who won, mainly because neither Oda nor Akechi did. The real winner was Toyotomi — lest we forget. While the race failed to display the integrity of the Japanese feudal system at the center, it was an incredible showcase of betrayal, strategy, and cuteness, all of which were sorely lacking from this war for Japanese unification.
Alan Zhang is out of the country right now writing an analysis of this article, which can be found on our site. If you need to get in contact with him, the raccoon residing in his office might be able to pass on short messages, but we are still trying to figure out its true capabilities.
