Editor’s Note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Arts & Entertainment will resume publishing normal content next week.

Citing low readership and “comically inappropriate” material, the Muir College Council voted to officially defund the MQ after the printing of their May issue later this quarter. This announcement follows several recent reductions to the satirical newspaper’s budget, including one in November that prompted a pop-up on their website requesting donations for printing costs. 

In response, both the student body and the MQ staff have vocalized widespread surprise and disapproval, leading some to question the validity of the MCC’s claims. In an informal poll conducted across several days on library walk by reporters for The UCSD Guardian, 98% of the 62 respondents said they read the MQ regularly and find it funny, while only one student said she “would rather die.” 

Sixth College sophomore Madeline Garcia belonged to the former group and provided her own explanation for the MCC’s actions. 

“This shows how out-of-touch leaders can get with the people they represent,” Garcia said. “My girlfriend writes for the MQ and I always tell her how funny it is. People say it’s like a worse version of The Onion, but it’s not. It’s The MQ.” 

MQ’s Editor-in-Chief, Kylie Schwartz, was confused by the decision. 

“Everyone I know says they read it and tells me how funny it is. We don’t know what these people are talking about,” Schwartz said. 

Despite over 30 years of dishing out the laffs, it looks like the organization’s future might be flushed away.

“The MQ is still able to operate without affiliation with the MCC,” the editor said. “The only problem is funding. We’ve set up a GoFundMe campaign and hopefully our loyal readers help us through until we can work out a deal and they [MCC] realize our valuable contributions. We’re also looking into lawyers to defend squatter’s rights to keep these people out of our office.”

The MCC’s president, Mikayla Blunk, was also contacted for comment. 

“I think the GoFundMe has been up for a month and it’s at $30, and that’s all from what The MQ could chip in to make it look like people donated,” Blunk said.

“Honestly, it’s not about the circulation or the expletives or anything like that,” Blunk continued. “It just isn’t good. Like this on the front page, ‘Oscar Wilde? More like Oscar Milde! Hot sauce line-inspired by romantic writers fails to bring the heat.’ Really, what is that? That’s not even a joke,” Blunk said.

“I mean, we’ve been around since 1989,” Schwartz responded. “I think we know a thing or two about being silly,” she said as she held her chin like a smug pepe. 

Serving up hot and stinky plates of lip-smacking, finger-licking comedy is not easy, but the fellas down at the MQ sure make it look that way. Next time your frown’s upside down and read the MQ to cheer yourself up, consider what you would do if you didn’t, and then where would you be? 

The MQ continues to meet Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Muir College’s Half Dome Lounge. Please show support for the future of free publishing and satire by attending MCC’s town hall meeting on Thursday, April 6 at the same time and location to protest.

Image courtesy of The UCSD Guardian