Editor’s Note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. News will resume publishing normal content next week.

On March 32, Editor-in-Chief of The UCSD Guardian Jaucy Bossy was impeached from her position due to her alignment with the “Glee” fandom, also known as Gleeks. The staff voted unanimously to remove Bossy from the organization entirely after footage was leaked of her watching Will Schuester’s (Matthew Morrison) cover of “Thong Song” and wearing a t-shirt with the words “Will Schuester Apologist” written across the front. 

“Glee” is a musical series that ran for six seasons on Fox. The show has been responsible for many crimes against the human race, including robbing Tina Cohen-Chang of any good storyline, covering “What Does the Fox Say?”, and Matthew Morrison.

Bossy was arrested and escorted off of the UC San Diego campus by local authorities minutes after the impeachment. Hundreds of students gathered to protest the arrest, making it the biggest student gathering since that one guy ate a rotisserie chicken in front of Geisel Library. In addition to the impeachment, Bossy is also being charged with treason and defamation of The Guardian for her involvement with the Gleeks. Bossy will face trial in front of the Supreme Court on March 35, which will be televised for entertainment. It will air between reruns of Gwyneth Paltrow’s trial. 

“Perry the Platypus!” Bossy screamed as she was being dragged away in handcuffs, “You’ll rue this day.”

Speculators such as Troye Sivan think this refers to the culprit who leaked the footage. “I’m pretty sure it’s that damn platypus who did it,” Sivan sang in his hit song “I’m Pretty Sure It’s That Damn Platypus Who Did It.”

Former Gleek and designer for The Guardian Soy Milk McWayne has mixed feelings about the events that unfolded. 

“I only voted to impeach her because she said that the Season two version of ‘Teenage Dream’ was better than the Season 4 version,” McWayne said. “That’s basically blasphemy. But I don’t think Jaucy is guilty of the crimes she’s been accused of.” 

“She can rot in hell for all I care,” Design Editor Rayana Womeno said in an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper. “I was trying to get her to watch ‘Glee’ for the past year, and now I find out that she’s been a Gleek all along? I’m hurt AF.” 

Although Womeno also identifies as a Gleek, she bought the staff a box of Truly’s at one of the staff’s bonfires, so they saw past the crimes she had committed. 

“[Womeno] is chill, I guess. IDK,” McWayne said.

While Bossy’s impeachment is a result of her Gleek-ness, some of the staff have claimed this has been a long time coming. 

“I’ve been waiting for this day for a really long time,” Marketing Director Awexander “uWu” OwOlsen said. “I’ve been wanting Jaucy out of office since I saw her witterawy hittin’ the gwiddy.” 

Despite the impact that these unfortunate events will have on Bossy’s career, there is a silver lining. According to her social media accounts, Bossy feels freer than ever knowing that she won’t have to keep living life with such a dark and devious secret. 

“I’ve known I was a Gleek since 2009 when Mercedes Jones sang ‘Bust Your Windows’ and proceeded to bust a window,” Bossy posted on her MySpace page. “While I am facing 20 years to life, I do not regret my actions. To my Guardian family, always remember: being a part of something special makes you special.” 

The creator of the show and Lea Michele’s adoptive father, Ryan Murphy, took to Twitter to defend Bossy’s actions. 

“This feels like a slushie to the face. Jaucy did nothing wrong. Gleeks are constantly victims of institutionalized oppression such as this, and I’m sick of it,” Murphy tweeted on March 33. 

Michele, who played the loveable and humble Rachel Berry in the show, refused to comment on the situation, or any situation really, after the Terri Schuester Updates account on Twitter told her to “read the room, Funny Girl.”

Art by Alexander Olsen for the UCSD Guardian