Editor’s Note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. News will resume publishing normal content next week.

An anonymous source close to UC San Diego Chancellor Prashallow Coleslaw claimed that he tried to add a personal contribution to graduate worker benefits. The proposed benefit entailed graduate workers employed by UCSD having access to his mansion’s exterior pool “every now and then when time permits.”

When requested to comment, Coleslaw elaborated more on the proposed measure.

“Seeing the Coleslaw-town demonstration in Muir Square with all of the tents really got me thinking,” Coleslaw said. “Homelessness among graduate students is a huge issue, and even more so when you think about how they don’t have access to a pool. Allowing them to occasionally relax and unwind  with their fellow students would really provide a good boost to working conditions and a reputation of excellence.”

The Audrey Geisel University House has housed UCSD chancellors since 1967, the year in which UCSD saw its first and only football team season. For 15 years prior, it was occupied by William H. and Ruth Black, for which the house was named. It was also constructed on sacred Kumeyaay land, where the remains of 29 Kumeyaay people were found over the course of a century. Nowadays, it is used by UCSD to flaunt its superiority and impress its various billionaire donors.

The UCSD Guardian asked Coleslaw more about the inspiration behind this offer.

“Last night, I was visited by three ghosts,” he said. “The first one showed me what my house used to be and the various lifestyles of the Indigenous groups who had lived there many years before me. Then, I saw the realities of graduate students’ lives, working 40-hour weeks and not having enough money to afford their residences. Lastly, I was shown the future of our students, where the suffering of graduate students had led to poor educational experiences for our undergrads and graduate students. This is not at all what I imagine for a world-class university like UC San Diego.”

Coleslaw’s takeaway from his Christmas Carol-esque experience is that our past, present, and future “would be better without having to walk down to the beach and endure the presence of naked old men.”

We asked Coleslaw more about his visions.

“Ever since I moved in, I kept receiving visions over and over, telling me to do the right thing and give back. The visions even went onto my phone, my email, my mentions…And eventually, they just seemed to get worn out and stop. I tried acknowledging that UCSD exists on stolen land, but that doesn’t seem to be enough, so I’m not sure what I can do.”

Coleslaw went on to propose having a pool party for graduate workers to UC negotiators. There was a brief period of contemplation among the negotiators, with one asking “Why would graduate students want that as compensation?” 

Coleslaw responded, “What if they do want it? Doesn’t it sound really fun? That’s what everyone wants!”

When asked about why he hasn’t held a pool party independently, Coleslaw discussed the other factors that go into organizing a pool party.

“You know, UC San Diego is very successful. We conduct billions of dollars worth of research, and I just think a pool party isn’t what we need as an institution,” Coleslaw said. “What if we distract a researcher who has been hard at work for 80 hours a week and is so close to a breakthrough, or what if parents call our offices because their student’s grades are a few hours late? It’s a whole logistical process that you would need to consider. Plus, who would we send to get the pizzas from Costco? Will there be alcohol, and would we need wristbands for those over the age of 21 so we don’t get in trouble for serving alcohol to minors? It’s not like the State [of California] will reimburse us … Or will they?”

The UCSD Guardian has yet to hear if the State of California would reimburse the pizza and pool party.

Photo courtesy of isarchitecture.com