Editor’s Note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, which are a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue.
In a surprise statement released on March 32, 2022, UC San Diego’s Associated Students Office of Concerts and Events announced that Korean pop group BTS will be headlining the upcoming Sun God Festival. The announcement that the seven heartthrobs will be attending has been well received by all members of the UCSD community as “finally a good use of student fees.”
In an interview with The UCSD Guardian, ASCE venue planner Susan Reagan said that BTS’s performance would take place on the eighth floor of Geisel Library instead of the usual RIMAC Field.
“This is the first time that we’ve gotten the chance to host this event in two years,” Reagan said. “Why do we have to stick so closely to traditions telling us that we can only use one particular venue or have only certain groups come? The acoustics for this Sun God will be seriously fantastic. I say, let’s change things up!”
BTS confirmed in a video released on their Twitter account that they would be attending the event and noted that getting to perform at Geisel Library was a “dream come true.”
“Yes, we could go to Los Angeles and have a nice and normal concert there instead,” group leader and main rapper RM said. “But when we saw pictures of the beautiful, sleek design of Geisel Library? We definitely had to go and see it for ourselves.”
Not long after the announcement was made, UCSD Chancellor LaKhos released a giddy, campuswide email praising the lineup.
“For a long time, I have been a proud member of the ARMY,” the email read, referring to the name of BTS’s fanbase. “I just finished learning the choreography for ‘Blood, Sweat, and Tears’ last night. Nobody asked, but for the record, I would like to disclose that I am Jimin-biased.”
The email went on to explain that campus officials were making preparations to host BTS at several on-campus activities in the lead up to the concert. Student organizations such as ARMYs at UCSD have announced plans to hold several flash mobs in Price Center and on Library Walk.
RM and main vocalist Jeon Jungkook expressed an interest in working out with UCSD athletes at the RIMAC center and the Alex Spanos Training Facility.
“RM told me that UCSD is a school for nerds, but I have heard so many good things about RIMAC and the Spanos Facility,” Jungkook said. “This is the number one place in the world for upper body workouts so we can not wait to get absolutely shredded at the gym there!”
Vocalists Park Jimin, V, and Kim Seokjin told The UCSD Guardian that they were interested in taking a tour of the various dining halls throughout campus.
“There is so much food there that we want to try,” V said. “I heard people are especially crazy for the Loco Mocos at Pines.”
Jimin and Jin went on to debate about the pizza sauce flavors that they wanted to try at OVT. After a long while, the two settled on trying the pesto first.
Finally, rappers Suga and J-Hope said that they planned to befriend the raccoons during their stay on campus.
“We’re planning to start weekly dance classes with the raccoons to teach them the fundamentals,” J-Hope said. “By the end of the class, they’ll be able to pop and lock with ease!”
“For myself, I want to run rap workshops with the raccoons,” Suga added. “Who knows, maybe I’ll be able to feature one of these guys in my next mixtape! If anyone is interested in either of these events, come find us in Warren Lecture Hall!”
In order to learn more, students are encouraged to listen to BTS on all available streaming platforms. The UCSD Guardian will provide further updates as they come.
Photo courtesy of HYBE
lol • Apr 9, 2022 at 12:49 pm
why are there hate comments this is a joke
UniversityofCreatingSocialDisasters • Mar 31, 2022 at 3:00 am
work on better social events in general please. foster a college environment maybe! once those improve, do more. simple as that bro.
iloveucsd • Mar 31, 2022 at 2:40 am
University of
Constant
Surmounting
Disappointment
theoneandonlychancellorlakhos • Mar 31, 2022 at 2:36 am
I can only imagine the amount of money that was spent on this and how many smarter ways they could have used it. unfortunate
UCSD: L CENTRAL • Mar 31, 2022 at 2:30 am
Did this guy really just write “Chancellor LaKhos”?
Ginger • Mar 30, 2022 at 1:31 pm
So very very awesome!
John Burl Smith • Mar 28, 2022 at 10:02 am
The Lone Ranger Rides Again!!!
By John Burl Smith author of “The 400th From Slavery to Hip Hop!!!”
America has an integrity problem and Joe Manchin is a classic example. My last post casted him as the “mad bomber,” Kyrsten Sinema as a “tail gunner,” they savaged “Build Back Better” to gain campaign contributions from their corporate donors. This saga began following the inauguration of Pres. Joe Biden. Manchin and Sinema rode out against Pres. Biden, like the “Lone Ranger and Tonto.” Like a “tag team,” they stripped and killed Pres. Biden’s healthcare, climate change, and student debt relief efforts, while simultaneously maneuvering to pass the corporate friendly infrastructure package.
So, I reiterate as I digress. “There will never be a “Joe Manchin” wing in the Democratic Party ever! History is replete with wreckage of “men who would be king” in their quest for power. My updated case began unfolding last week, with Joe Manchin backdoor-ing the President by proposing a raid on the remnants of “Build Back Better.” The first step in a full-blown power grab for the White House. Launching that effort, Manchin proposed “reconstitute” BBB, without a word to Pres. Biden before laying out his plan. With The President out of the country, Manchin told his small group of Democratic backers, “It is possible to reach a deal that includes billions of dollars to fight climate change, cut prescription drug costs and update the tax code, but in exchange, Biden will give in to my demand for concessions on oil and gas drilling in the Gulf of Mexico.” Laying out his platform, Manchin continued, “A vote on the package must be taken before Senators break for recess in August. Manchin wants the Senate to stop on a dime and pivot to a full throttled effort to assist him in shoehorning his plan through the Senate’s very tight schedule, rather than concentrating on taking control of the Senate.
Pushing his campaign theme, “Inflation is the No. 1 enemy we have in America today,” talking to E&E News, Manchin explained his “skinny” climate and social spending bill, but it all has to happen before the Senate’s April and May work period ends. But there is even more in the bag of tricks Manchin opened to outline how his energy policies, tax credit for energy manufacturing and replacing fossil fuel with nuclear power would save BBB. However, upstaging climate programs and cutting social spending efforts, such as expanded childcare, universal pre-kindergarten and national paid family leave, Manchin’s “skinny BBB” will take back more than it gives. By limiting spending on social programs, “Lone Ranger” Manchin hopes how he hog-tied Pres. Biden’s BBB will give him a free hand to stab him once again.
Trying to pick up foreign policy credentials, Manchin traveled with Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm and Interior Secretary Deb Haaland to an energy summit in Europe. Manchin, who chairs the Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee, ignored such gathering in the past, but this time he wanted to introduce a new approach, “all-of-the-above energy policy,’ which he said will make it possible to reach a deal that includes “billions of dollars’ worth of provisions to tackle climate change, cut prescription drug costs and update the tax code,” all before breaking for lunch. Manchin told climate activists and energy executives that he is open to supporting a new version of Pres. Biden’s “Build Back Better” agenda, after his tweaks, even though he has not spoken to The President. Not bashful about ripping off Pres. Biden’s “Build Back Better” program, Manchin said, “I will tailor it to address climate change, prescription drug prices and deficit reduction,” he told Axios.
During a private, closed-door dinner on Monday (3/21/22), the “Lone Ranger” said, “I’m serious about returning to the table for a much smaller version of Biden’s original $3.5 trillion proposal. I’m always willing to engage in discussions about the best way to move our country forward,” at Pres. Biden’s expense. Manchin and Sen. Kyrsten Sinema’s tag-team mugged BBB, effectively killing Pres. Biden’s legislation in 2021. Their actions have contributed to Mr. Biden’s low poll numbers and why it seems he has no major accomplishment. Moreover, Manchin delivered the dagger on “Fox News Sunday,” like a bushwhacked. Stabbing Pres. Biden in the back on national TV, before the world, made it clear, Manchin sleeps with the enemy. He convinced conservatives and moderate Democrats that the knife they see sticking out of The President’s back is a windup key, they can turn Pres. Biden in any direction they want. Axios added “Manchin outlined roughly $500 billion for climate and $1 trillion in new revenue, but did not indicate any support for universal preschool, healthcare, student-debt relief or increased spending for childcare, which the Biden proposals included, but Manchin stripped out of the “human infrastructure” package!
Manchin is also insisting he will “fight inflation by reducing the deficit with at least half of the revenue from new corporate taxes, as well as the estimated savings from allowing Medicare to directly negotiate the cost of prescription drugs. However, Democrats cannot trust anything that comes out of Manchin’s mouth, while they are smarting over Manchin’s backstabbing Pres. Biden denied him a signature win. Doubling down, Machin wants Pres. Biden to accede to his plan of oil and gas drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, as well as natural gas exports. Such “gall or balls” from the man, who would be king, like his friend Donald Trump, with the 1/6 insurrection, the 50-50 Senate is the only reason voters are familiar with the name Joe Manchin. Otherwise, Manchin’s dagger would have remained in its holster and not in the back nor at the throat of the President of the United State of America.
Hamlet or Macbeth! America has an integrity problem among many of its leaders, which is why I mention those plays. Currently, there are 2 glaring examples which are creating doubts for young voters regarding integrity and respect, Joe Manchin and Supreme Court Jurist Clarence Thomas. They have given the institutions they are associated with and represent the “appearance” of impropriety, which is a stain in and of itself. Such implications can only be remedied by “resignation!!!” We must demand of men white or black the same standards, Senators are demanding during confirmation of Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson!!!