Editor’s Note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, which are a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue.
In a surprise statement released on March 32, 2022, UC San Diego’s Associated Students Office of Concerts and Events announced that Korean pop group BTS will be headlining the upcoming Sun God Festival. The announcement that the seven heartthrobs will be attending has been well received by all members of the UCSD community as “finally a good use of student fees.”
In an interview with The UCSD Guardian, ASCE venue planner Susan Reagan said that BTS’s performance would take place on the eighth floor of Geisel Library instead of the usual RIMAC Field.
“This is the first time that we’ve gotten the chance to host this event in two years,” Reagan said. “Why do we have to stick so closely to traditions telling us that we can only use one particular venue or have only certain groups come? The acoustics for this Sun God will be seriously fantastic. I say, let’s change things up!”
BTS confirmed in a video released on their Twitter account that they would be attending the event and noted that getting to perform at Geisel Library was a “dream come true.”
“Yes, we could go to Los Angeles and have a nice and normal concert there instead,” group leader and main rapper RM said. “But when we saw pictures of the beautiful, sleek design of Geisel Library? We definitely had to go and see it for ourselves.”
Not long after the announcement was made, UCSD Chancellor LaKhos released a giddy, campuswide email praising the lineup.
“For a long time, I have been a proud member of the ARMY,” the email read, referring to the name of BTS’s fanbase. “I just finished learning the choreography for ‘Blood, Sweat, and Tears’ last night. Nobody asked, but for the record, I would like to disclose that I am Jimin-biased.”
The email went on to explain that campus officials were making preparations to host BTS at several on-campus activities in the lead up to the concert. Student organizations such as ARMYs at UCSD have announced plans to hold several flash mobs in Price Center and on Library Walk.
RM and main vocalist Jeon Jungkook expressed an interest in working out with UCSD athletes at the RIMAC center and the Alex Spanos Training Facility.
“RM told me that UCSD is a school for nerds, but I have heard so many good things about RIMAC and the Spanos Facility,” Jungkook said. “This is the number one place in the world for upper body workouts so we can not wait to get absolutely shredded at the gym there!”
Vocalists Park Jimin, V, and Kim Seokjin told The UCSD Guardian that they were interested in taking a tour of the various dining halls throughout campus.
“There is so much food there that we want to try,” V said. “I heard people are especially crazy for the Loco Mocos at Pines.”
Jimin and Jin went on to debate about the pizza sauce flavors that they wanted to try at OVT. After a long while, the two settled on trying the pesto first.
Finally, rappers Suga and J-Hope said that they planned to befriend the raccoons during their stay on campus.
“We’re planning to start weekly dance classes with the raccoons to teach them the fundamentals,” J-Hope said. “By the end of the class, they’ll be able to pop and lock with ease!”
“For myself, I want to run rap workshops with the raccoons,” Suga added. “Who knows, maybe I’ll be able to feature one of these guys in my next mixtape! If anyone is interested in either of these events, come find us in Warren Lecture Hall!”
In order to learn more, students are encouraged to listen to BTS on all available streaming platforms. The UCSD Guardian will provide further updates as they come.
Photo courtesy of HYBE