They were neck and neck, the votes split directly down the middle. The “silky soccer ball” versus the snowball royalty, the greatest and fiercest matchup since Batman versus Superman. The Chonky Choice All Stars Tournament was not a contest, but a battle. I sat perched at the edge of my seat, biting my nails and refreshing my page, awaiting the much anticipated results. Emotions were running high; the close match and the delayed results had many @weratechonks followers, myself included, in extreme distress. I scrolled through the comments, seeing my fellow fans endorsing their favorite fat cat and bad-mouthing their rival.
I knew where my loyalties lie, having followed @snacksthefatcat for months. But I will admit that there was another cat that I had initially championed for. @missbiscuitsfatcat, the beautiful and elegant calico kitty from North Carolina, was my obvious first choice; I advocated for her win, encouraging everyone I knew to vote for her. Yet despite my efforts, Miss Biscuits was eliminated in the very first round, bested by internet celebrity, @kingduncan__.
Fortunately for me though, my second favorite fat internet cat, Miss Snacks, was pulling through. She won round after round, beating out major competitors like @keith_the_cat_cow and @cinderblock_cat. Every bracket she entered, she dominated, raking in victory after victory. My hopes were high and I was confident that Miss Snacks would reign supreme. With her class, sass, and a–, there was no way that any other cat was worthy of the All Stars Chonky Choice title.
I was highly optimistic and feeling quite positive until I saw the final matchup. My heart sank and a pit formed in my stomach. I had faith in Miss Snacks, the tuxedo goddess, but I was worried. King Duncan had already beaten Miss Biscuits and had more than twice the number of followers as Snacks. He had the pull, he had the support, and he had the charm. I had my doubts that Miss Snacks was at a place in the internet totem pole to really take home this win.
But despite his obvious leg up, Miss Snacks held her own. The thousands of voters were split down the middle, each of these two cats being backed by endless support from their dedicated fans. I was gunning for her, doing everything in my power to tip the scale in her favor. But on the evening of Jan. 19, King Duncan was named the official winner.
I really thought I’d be bitter, but I had to concede. It was a fierce competition and I had my favorites, but I also recognized that King Duncan earned it. He fought long and hard, and unfortunately for Miss Snacks, the odds were in his favor. He deserved the win and I can recognize that at this time, King Duncan is the ultimate fat internet cat.
But I must emphasize that my concession does not mean I’ve given up on Miss Snacks. King Duncan is a handsome lad with a big personality, but Miss Snacks will always hold my heart.
Despite Duncan’s obvious smugness, she took the loss with such elegance and grace; congratulating the King on his win and maintaining her composure, like the classy beauty she is.
She may have taken the loss today, but this is not the end for Miss Snacks. One day, Miss Snacks will be the Chonky Choice Queen.
(Disclaimer: All of the cats featured on @weratechonks are on a diet. To my knowledge, all of these fur babies are on a journey towards a healthy weight and are quite beloved.)
Image Courtesy of instagram account @weratechonks