Geisel Library Needs Human Bound Books

We’re behind the curve, and I’m blaming Chancellor Khosla for UCSD’s lack of anthropodermic books, lovingly bound in human skin.

Heck, Brown University has four of these beauties, and I’m seething with jealousy at the indignity. So, we’re not good enough? We can purchase textbooks and online PDFs, but when it comes to art, to history, we’re flat out of cash? Our Geisel budget had enough for that stupid “Chameleon Jump Suit” from a ’90s video game, but, when it comes to getting our mittens on patent-leather novels in the highest quality of person, we’re suddenly broke? Bull. Shit. There are only 47 of these rarities — allegedly — worldwide, and that’s 47 more than we’ve got.

It would benefit the school — nay, the students — if we acquired one of these tomes for our collection. Think about it: UCSD’s very own human leather book, proudly on display beneath Geisel’s eaves, available for gentle caressing by passing students. Strangers would flock from the far reaches of the world, seeking our fabled treasure, our proud leather monstrosity. We’d be rolling in one-dollar donations, we’d be rich!

I’ll admit, my love affair with human leather has humble roots. It began when I visited Providence, Rhode Island, to visit some family friends. I must have been seventeen, and bored, and I ventured into the depths of Brown’s John Hay Library, and toured the displays. That’s when I found them. The books. Like a cultist drawn to some blackened, clandestine shrine of occult worship, I made a beeline for Vesalius’ “De humani corporis fabrica,” swaddled in human like a babe in a blanket. I wouldn’t call this experience transformative, but it’s definitely up there, sandwiched between my fifth birthday party and the time I got lost on my way to Walmart.

So, in the interest of scientific exploration and the general spirit of perversity, I’m asking, begging, that Chancellor Khosla consider this proposal. It would be cool… heck, I’d offer my friends as willing flesh donors. In fact, if we can’t afford to purchase a book, perhaps we could cut out the middleman, and make our own? With student loans as high as they are, we could have a trade-in system — one school year worth of debt forgiven for the honor, maybe? It would be great.

Just imagine seeing these singular books resting on our shelves. Just envision UCSD as the envy of creepy librarians worldwide. God, I can taste the notoriety.