Question: How do I become the “new me” this year? — Anonymous
Self-reinvention depends entirely on the basis of what you actually can do. If the “new me” is a powerful demigod capable of growing a third limb on the right hip, whose powers involve summoning walking Ulta Beauty gift cards at will, or a nationally acclaimed tailor with a double Capricorn moon, then you’ll have to resort to a fictitious autobiography that pens your life as “not your average girl or guy.” Be realistic, yet simultaneously idealistic. Set attainable goals that will string into one another. For example, if you’re longing to achieve a golden lacquered “A” in your dreaded “Science and Math behind the Star Wars series: A Primer to Metaphysics,” it might be a sound idea to actually attend class. Then you can work your way through homework, then essays, studying — bam.
What is most important, however, is commitment. Nobody likes an infidel, even if it’s for half-hearted, pinky-promised New Year’s resolutions made over a cheap bottle of Martinelli’s and Toblerone. If your intentions are to be more adventurous in your cuisine choices, then stop Snapchatting pictures of Chipotle every other day. An effort to be more frugal means nothing if you keyword search “Chipotle” in your yearly bank statement and find more than three hundred results. If you’ve always wanted to start travelling to unknown places in your city of choice, then look past the nearest — gasp! — Chipotle chain and explore. This is why “new me” statements are a fallacy: You are stating, but not doing. Don’t say what you want, just become.
If you find yourself giving up halfway past January, it’s time to think positive, re-evaluate and adapt. This is likely because you’re attempting to make a big leap when you should really be taking small steps. Remember one thing: There are other people who are likely struggling with you in your endeavors, so create a New Year’s Anonymous and band together to conquer self-improvement as a team. Sharing a goal with others will not only score you some friends but will also be a constant nagging reminder that you don’t want to be the sole person who doesn’t pull through.
When nothing works, don’t be too hard on yourself. Just remember that New Year’s is a social construct made by capitalistic swines and that self-improvement is a process, not a magical overnight Apple-tini. Trying is improving, and that’s what matters. Take it slow, one Chipotle burrito less at a time.
