How-To Guru: Master Sleep Deprivation

I’ll sleep when I die. This wise proverb, once said by an anonymous but deeply admired college student, has become an almost legendary folklore among the UCSD student population. With all of our profound ambitions and intense responsibilities — school, work, exercise, parents, friends, sex life, reality TV — we are often left with no choice but to ignore some of our more practical needs. We all know that finding time to sleep is no easy task in college. Sleep is one of those commonly neglected but fondly thought of practices that college students can only dream of. With noisy, alcoholic suitemates, it can seem nearly impossible to sleep. However, as young, fledgling adults, it is vital to our development that we maintain regular sleep cycles. With this handy-dandy how-to guide, you’ll never wear four-inch deep, gray bags below your eyes again.

Step 1: Take your alarm clock and chuck it out the window. Forget daylight savings. It’s time to start flowing on your own unique schedule. Line your windows with thick velvet curtains to shut out those pesky rays of sunlight reminding you when daytime has struck. Now you can begin to take your life back.

Step 2: Skip your 8 a.m. classes. Look, we get it. You’re on a tight four-year schedule, and you have to bust through all those major requirements with five classes a quarter. The best option is to listen to your professor’s podcast before you go to sleep each night. The quiet, monotonous voice of your professor will ensure you fall asleep in fewer than 30 seconds. You’ll absorb the entire lecture seamlessly, while catching up on a well-deserved night of sleep.

Step 3: Loosen your strict class requirements by attending lectures in a soft-focus sleepy state-of-mind, casually dressed in your onesie pajamas. When in your bedroom, only use the bed for studying so there is a direct correlation in your mental psyche between studying and sleep. This association will allow you to immediately fall into a deep state of unconsciousness that mixes rapid eye movement with learning. Even if you don’t end up with straight As in your GPA, you’ll have a hell of a good time dreaming about it.

Step 4: Have a noisy roommate? People will tell you to wear earplugs, but don’t waste your time with those rubbery, uncomfortable devices. It’s much more effective to place a thick blanket over your roommate’s snoring mouth after he or she falls asleep. Better yet, wait for them to go out to a party and change the lock on your apartment door. They’ll thank you, after they learn to live somewhere else.

If none of these tips have impressed upon you the ardent need to change your sleepless lifestyle, perhaps it is time to hold that need for sleep until you die. In the meantime, begin to consume coffee religiously. Forget Starbucks and corporations, and don’t accept any of that automatic, insta-coffee crap. Ditch the bars and save your shot glasses for pure espresso.

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