How-To-Guru: A Naked Roommate

In college, it’s inevitable that at some point or another, you’re going to have to deal with a naked roommate. Even if it hasn’t happened to you yet, we guarantee that it will. We’re using the term “naked” with an all-encompassing meaning. This nakedness refers to those individuals who let everything hang out all the time, leaving piles of dirty underwear strewn across the living room, uninhibitedly expelling bodily fluids and gases and always maintaining close ties with relatives through outrageously loud phone conversations at all hours of the day. Problematic circumstances naturally ensue when trapped in tight quarters with a naked roommate. To help you face these challenges, we have prepared a handy-dandy guide to surviving, and perhaps even befriending, the naked roommate.

First, establish boundaries immediately upon meeting your soon-to-be naked roommate. Start by taping a line of duct tape between their side and your side of the room. If the person sharing these living quarters should venture to cross the line, make sure you quickly scold them by grunting, “Uh-uh.” If these verbal noises are simply not getting through your roommate’s thick head, then it’s time to begin setting booby traps throughout your side of the room. Leave sticky pieces of gum and candy on places where they might eventually sit down, such as on your desk or chair.

The trick to maintaining cordial relations with your roomie is to fool them into believing the aforementioned booby traps are simple room decor. When asked to throw the thumbtacks on the floor away, cry out in dismay, “Don’t you like it? These are some of my favorite floor decorations. My grandmother gave them to me before she passed away.” Once these healthy boundaries have been successfully enforced and maintained, it is time to give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back. Enjoy the space you have created, while remembering to avoid stepping on pieces of gum, thumbtacks and hard candy.

The next step is to foster feelings of affection and tenderness for your roommate. However unpleasantly naked they may be, you’ll always remember the days you shared, trapped in a closet-sized single converted into a double. Let them know how much you cherish their companionship with daily texts. Begin with simple messages such as, “How are you?” and then gradually deepen your bond with slightly more intimate questions like, “Where are you?” “Who are you seeing tonight?” “I’m so lonely without you. Come back, come back, come back!”

If all of these steps have failed to discourage the naked roommate from violating your comfort levels, then you know what they say: If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em! Our final tip is to go ahead and let yourself go crazy, too. Let it go, take it all off and show your roommate that you, too, can be a wild, naked person. Stoop to their level. Chow down on popcorn together and watch Netflix on the couch late into the night without ever bothering to sweep up the crumbs.

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