This Year, the Pot of Gold is at the Bottom of the Pint

It’s a time when, to quote “Stuff White People Say,” a full 100 percent of white people claim that they are somewhat Irish. This gives Irishmen, and friends of supposed Irishmen — in this case, everybody — a reason to wake up early and consume an Irish car bomb before class. And if you let the drink curdle before chugging it fast enough, it’s almost like a milkshake. Delicioso. But in your pre-rivalry planning for this year, you might’ve taken a look at the calendar and realized to your horror, that March 17 lands on a Saturday the weekend before finals. And because we are, after all, a strong academic school and because we do, after all, spend the majority of finals week inside of the library, surrounded by Sour Patch Kids wrappers and the stench of sweat and desperation, March 17 might not seem like the best time to party with Molly Malone. But think again. Embrace your (maybe) fake Irish roots by following How-to Guru’s advice. Depending on your tolerance, decide how to stagger your drinks in advance. Whether it is one bottle of Guinness an hour or a full-blown drunken encounter with a bottle of Glenfiddich at midnight, plan according to your study schedule and your alcohol tolerance. You’re probably tired of studying already, but take a little time out of your day and read up on the history of Irish-English conflict. Look up key words like Ulster and Bloody Sunday, as well as revolutionaries like Daniel O’Connell and Thomas Francis Meagher. Fueled by this information, you will be able to inform your friends on the history of Irish oppression. Or better yet, look up the history of the patron saint himself — Saint Patrick. The most celebrated and widely recognized patron saint of Ireland, in and out of the Emerald Isles, Saint Patrick’s day is celebrated on the day of his death, March 17. Fun fact: Saint Patrick was once a resident of Wales, until he was captured by Irish raiders and enslaved for six years. After being freed, he entered the Irish church and helped bring Catholicism to the children of Erin. These days, drunken Americans remember him as a reason to wear green and shout “Sláinte!” (cheers) while downing a pint. Whether you spend the whole day drinking or embracing your Irish roots, or both, enjoy it. It may seem overly commercialized and stereotypical to the point of being trite, but before these thoughts infiltrate your thoughts, take a swig of whiskey instead. Sláinte!