In an attempt to enliven my hellish three-hour gap between classes, I’ve taken to visiting AOL.com in search of the bizarre news that doesn’t quite make it on the nightly 6 p.m. broadcast.
One such item I recently found takes the cake for most intense fight ever between man and machine: Evidently, a 40-year-old dude from Georgia became so frustrated with an airport’s self-serve kiosk that he right-hooked its touchscreen until — $15,000 worth of damages later — he was arrested.
His reasoning? The defenseless little machine was taking too long to accept his information.
Real smooth, man.
It goes without saying that this guy needs some psychiatric assistance. But what I can’t figure out is why the kiosk, and not some slothful airport employee?
Sure, we’ve all experienced meltdowns prompted by research papers and the death of our childhood pet, but it’s not every day one’s stress is relieved by destroying such an expensive inanimate object. (Or, if it is, one should at least hold the excuse of having consumed a large quantity of tequila beforehand).
What places Kiosk Basher in a special category is his opponent: technology. That’s right, Basher is someone we can refer to as a neo-felon: an individual who commits a crime against our modern techno fetish (don’t Google that). He expected the unknowing little airport kiosk to make his life easier, when it actually made his life harder — which, to man on the go, is downright unacceptable. Machines, after all, are supposed to be our slaves.
I can’t say I’ve never felt Basher’s pain. When I swipe my credit card at a parking meter only to find it’s out of order, I do indeed feel the innate urge to kick the bitch where it hurts — but then I tell myself that a broken toe and a probable fine won’t make her spit out a parking pass. At which point I grudgingly (gasp!) drive to the machine in the next lot over.
If there’s one lesson we can learn from others’ humiliation, though, it’s that the ominous rainbow wheel does not — I repeat, does not — give you license to hurl your MacBook through a window. Suppose there’s a freshman standing on the ground floor of Tioga right as your iLife comes hurtling out of the heavens. Oops! You just got sued for giving him a concussion.
Just consider Basher. He’ll never have the pleasure of sampling Delta Airlines’ mouth-watering peanuts, ever again.
Nevertheless, there are still some people who will feel the carnal need to destroy. Going back to our friend with the temper, let’s make something clear: Gentlemen, if you’re going to try to prove your strength and manliness in public, don’t attempt to kick the ass of a malfunctioning machine. Believe it or not, the bugger won’t work any more efficiently once you’ve smashed its screen in.
That’s right: Punching your laptop after “Force Quit” freezes your system, though momentarily satisfying, will only result in greater catastrophe. Not only have you probably punched away over a grand in damage, you’ve shattered the small pinch of pride man still holds over machine in the modern age.
We must remember that techno-dependency is a generally new phenomenon. Our parents grew up pretty simply, but after a few short decades, vinyl is stored on something that’s the size of a cracker and cars look like spaceships.
Amazing, isn’t it? In fact, our hoe-wielding ancestors would probably spit on us in shame if they could see how lazy and tantrum-prone our own glorious digital world is making us. Technology has become so much like one of our own appendages that going a couple hours without it makes us feel incomplete — yet living with it begins to feel like punishment.
So what if machines break once in awhile? Seize that opportunity to re-establish the free-as-dirt sense of self-reliance you left behind at the Apple Store.
The next time, say, your GPS fails you, and you wind up lost in Camp Pendleton, save yourself the trouble of cussing the system. If you can find that on-ramp without it, you’ll be satisfied to know your own wits saved your ass — no batteries required.
