Trade Your Morals, Hygiene for Cash

    2) Reassess your definition of ‘necessity.’ You might not realize this, but we have been brainwashed into thinking certain items are indispensable when they are actually useless. Take socks for instance, or underwear ‘mdash; they are simply excess layers of cloth on your body that lack any real function. Sell these items to your friends and family and don’t buy new ones. Use your earnings to buy an expensive bottle of champagne and save it for textbook-buying season. After you’ve purchased a $200 book about fossils, you can run home and drink the champagne. As it trickles through your system, you won’t feel so poor after all.

    3) Go into crime. They don’t teach you this in college because it would throw off the natural balance of the world, but crime is an extremely lucrative business. Drug dealers can choose from many different types of substances ‘mdash; ranging from studyfriendly to recreational ‘mdash; and target a particular group of students to whom they can market their product (i.e. Adderall is to Geisel what pot is to the Student Center). If drugs aren’t your thing, try kidnapping a local elementary school kid (I’d recommend a La Jolla Country Day School student over a Preuss School one) and asking for a reasonable ransom. Just imagine all the late-night Alberto’s runs you could fund with cash like that.

    Remember, the way you earn your income is nowhere near as important as the awesome stuff you can buy with it. After all, getting good jobs so we can buy cool stuff is the reason we all went to college in the first place. And if the current system is failing us, we must fight back. So go on, start stalking that elementary school student. It just might be the only way you can keep up with your comfortable college lifestyle.

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    Recently I’ve noticed something strange: Jobs are disappearing, student fees are increasing and Perks has cut back its hours of operation. After some diligent research I discovered that it has to do with a little something that Wall Street hotshots like to call ‘the economy.’

    It’s unclear whether this economy is to blame for the death of my childhood dog, but it’s definitely the reason I can’t afford double-quilted toilet paper. According to experts, it’s out of control and it’s not going to stop anytime soon.

    But don’t panic: You might not have to sacrifice your $300 handbag fetish quite yet. I’ve developed some strategies to help you cut down the cost of boring necessities and up your cash flow so that you can continue purchasing luxury items. After all, where else would you get your self-worth?

    1) Consider relaxing your hygienic efforts. Most toiletries are quite pricey, so avoiding their everyday use is a great way to save cash. You can cut your toothpaste use, for example, to twice a week and save up to buy that leather-bound Moleskine journal you’ve been eyeing. Some may argue that poor hygienic practices might actually increase costs by requiring more doctor visits, but research in this particular area is inconclusive at best.

    2) Reassess your definition of ‘necessity.’ You might not realize this, but we have been brainwashed into thinking certain items are indispensable when they are actually useless. Take socks for instance, or underwear ‘mdash; they are simply excess layers of cloth on your body that lack any real function. Sell these items to your friends and family and don’t buy new ones. Use your earnings to buy an expensive bottle of champagne and save it for textbook-buying season. After you’ve purchased a $200 book about fossils, you can run home and drink the champagne. As it trickles through your system, you won’t feel so poor after all.

    3) Go into crime. They don’t teach you this in college because it would throw off the natural balance of the world, but crime is an extremely lucrative business. Drug dealers can choose from many different types of substances ‘mdash; ranging from studyfriendly to recreational ‘mdash; and target a particular group of students to whom they can market their product (i.e. Adderall is to Geisel what pot is to the Student Center). If drugs aren’t your thing, try kidnapping a local elementary school kid (I’d recommend a La Jolla Country Day School student over a Preuss School one) and asking for a reasonable ransom. Just imagine all the late-night Alberto’s runs you could fund with cash like that.

    Remember, the way you earn your income is nowhere near as important as the awesome stuff you can buy with it. After all, getting good jobs so we can buy cool stuff is the reason we all went to college in the first place. And if the current system is failing us, we must fight back. So go on, start stalking that elementary school student. It just might be the only way you can keep up with your comfortable college lifestyle.

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