We are nothing more than our top iPod tunes

    If we believe America’s newspapers, it has recently become trendy to analyze people’s personalities based on the music on their iPods. It all began when someone analyzed the top iPod tunes of the president, Michael Moore and New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady (who, in a fit of technological savvy, posted his playlist online).

    Not surprisingly, the publicized top tunes of these famous people are, well, not surprising. Michael Moore rocks out to the angry anti-Vietnam War anthem “Fortunate Son” by John Fogerty and Bruce Springsteen’s version of Bob Dylan’s “Chimes of Freedom.” Tom Brady favors pop and rock, his playlist crowned by Aerosmith and Eminem. The president’s iPod is loaded with only 250 tunes, a number the New York Times called “paltry,” and includes a lot of country and classic rock that our parents probably listen to — “Boomer rock ’n’ roll,” the Times calls it — and that his personal aide, Blake Gottesman, professes to have bought and downloaded from iTunes. Legally. Now that’s shocking.

    Ok, so let’s roll up our sleeves and pull out the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. Apparently, those who know the president’s playlist much better than I have concluded that his taste for country and classic rock reveals — get ready — that he loves country and classic-rock tunes.

    Stop the presses!

    After a mere iPod gave us such insight into the mind of the leader of the free world, I knew I just had to try it on myself. I’m no psychologist or music critic (nope, you gotta own black Converse sneakers to be one of those), but I consulted my share of psychologists and musicologists while preparing and now present their notes to you, unabridged, for all the world to see.

    Here are my 25 most-played tunes, followed by the profound psychological feature each tune reveals about me:

    1. “Another Brick in the Wall,” Pink Floyd: Compulsive, forgetful and spastic. Likes being alone. A sucker for British accents.

    2. “The Bottle and the Sea,” Brandston: Either a budding or a recovering alcoholic.

    3. “Walking with a Ghost,” Tegan and Sara: Distrustful, judgmental and mildly superstitious. Also, secretive and insecure. Will most likely die without amounting to anything.

    4. “Most of the Time,” Bob Dylan: Unable to effectively express feelings, teach calculus to strangers or rappel down the side of a cliff without shrieking.

    5. “Everything She Does is Magic,” the Police: Extremely narcissistic, a closet lesbian or both.

    6. “True Faith,” New Order: Fearful of rejection, disapproval and jumping spiders.

    7. “Sex is Personal,” the Faint: Obnoxious, bawdy and uncouth, yet introspective and sensitive. Possesses a vocabulary more suited to a ship than a university.

    8. “Seventeen Years,” Ratatat: Mildly retarded; antisocial. Prone to bopping.

    9. “Star Guitar,” Chemical Brothers: Spastic and antisocial. Most likely incapable of ever loving.

    10. “With or Without You,” U2: Very fond of juicy guitar riffs, Irishmen and pie. Possibly lonely and/or suicidal — see No. 3.

    11. “Portions for Foxes,” Rilo Kiley: Sometimes makes rolling stops at stop signs.

    12. “Lost Souls Forever,” Kasabian: Racked by self-doubt, especially when ordering food at Cotixan. A danger to herself and others.

    13. “Solsbury Hill,” Peter Gabriel: Anxious, impatient and dishonest.

    14. “Slow Hands,” Interpol: Addicted to pretentious indie rock. Oddly alluring when wearing a purple spandex bodysuit.

    15. “I Cry Alone,” the Black Keys: A crappy lay.

    16. “Title and Registration,” Death Cab for Cutie: Eats a lot, yet doesn’t gain weight.

    17. “Believer,” BT: Shameless. Godless. Truculent. A good badminton player, though.

    18. “Take the Long Road and Walk It,” the Music: Compulsive, forgetful and moody. Lazy about answering e-mails, voicemails and letters. A very light sleeper.

    19. “I Ran (So Far Away),” A Flock of Seagulls: Deeply fond of songs used in “Grand Theft Auto” commercials. A lover of big, floppy hairdos.

    20. “1020 AM,” Spoon: Possesses a very short attention span. Talks at inopportune moments. Socially awkward, or maybe just shy.

    21. “Carry On Wayward Son,” Kansas: Clumsy and cheap. Has a bad haircut. Leaves spots when cleaning windows.

    22. “Aida,” Sarah McLachlan: Female. Most likely either menstruating or ovulating at this very moment. Should be kept away from credit cards, sharp objects and full-fat ice cream.

    23. “Enjoy the Silence,” Depeche Mode: Left-handed, near-sighted and blonde. Will be dead within 10 years.

    24. “Back in the USSR,” the Beatles: Irresponsible, snappish and curt. Probably a closet Communist or Socialist.

    25. “White Wedding,” Billy Idol: Vacillates between demanding attention and deflecting it. Gives lame Christmas presents sometimes. Left pubes on the soap this morning.

    Wow! It’s truly amazing what trained psychologists can tell you about yourself. Especially their last insight — that was dead-on, guys.

    Honestly, I thought psychologists outdid themselves when they told us our dreams provided insight into who we are. But this iPod thing — the wonders of science never cease to amaze me.

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