Where is it? Where is the big “O”? The sparks and fireworks, the screaming, steamy finale of a passionate coupling? I’m sure this question is being asked by all too many women who wander the coital world, and I’m sure men are asking the same of their unsatisfied girlfriends. At least, I hope they are.

In my quest to answer this, I will also attempt to clarify several myths surrounding the female orgasm. First, I challenge all the women of the world to promise to help themselves and their partners by always remembering to never, ever fake it. Ever. Nobody wins in that situation. Long-term lovers won’t learn to please their girlfriends, one-night stands get too confident, and the woman won’t ever be satisfied.

Trust me, it’s worth the embarrassment to just tell the truth (and sometimes worth seeing the one- night standee’s shocked and alarmed face during the realization that he, the one and only superpenis, didn’t make his lover scream out his name).

I jest, though: It is not necessarily the males’ lack of sexual prowess that inhibits full orgasmic realization in women. Most often it’s both partners that lack sexual knowledge. For that matter, there are a number of women who aren’t entirely certain what an orgasm feels like, so they get to feel these mildly intense waves of pleasure and figure, “Oh, that’s it!”

For those who don’t know, an orgasm feels like every particle of the body has suddenly gathered at the clitoris to create an intense, almost tickling sensation, and the vagina, pelvis and uterus will go through a series of strong contractions.

If a woman has never felt that, the best thing for her to do is experiment with herself, rubbing the clitoris with her fingertips, using plenty of lube to keep it from getting dry and chafed. Another option, if this doesn’t work, is to discover the beauties of the removable showerhead and a constant stream of water aimed right at the hot spot.

Issue No. 2: Vaginal vs. clitoral orgasm — what’s the difference? Is there a difference? In short, vaginal is less common, and is supposed to feel like a deeper, more relaxing orgasm, while the clitoral orgasm is more common and more intense.

The way of the clitoris is very self-explanatory: Continuous stimulation of the happy button with either a finger or tongue will send the woman into a glorious climax. The amount of rubbing and pressure is different for every woman, especially during oral sex, so her partner has to be willing to accommodate and experiment with different pressures and speeds.

The vaginal orgasm is achieved by constant stimulation of the G-spot (yes, it exists!). To find it while the woman lays on her back, place one or two well lubricated fingers about two inches inside the vagina, make a pressurized “come hither” motion, and on the roof of the vagina you’ll feel a spongy, nickel-sized area that will enlarge with arousal. You may have to press a little hard to find it, but both partners will definitely know if the right area is being touched. This may give the woman the urge to urinate, so empty bladders are a definite plus during this activity.

Although some women swear by one form of climax or the other, really, why settle for one when two are more fun?

Learning to identify and enjoy both pleasure points is key to a complete orgasmic experience. During oral or finger play, this is achieved by loving the G-spot with the finger while rubbing the clitoris with either tongue or thumb.

To climax during sex is a different matter. With the man on top and the woman lying down, the best position is for him to be raised on his knees, pushing more forward than down. This will stimulate the elusive G-spot. Although some women can come with just this, if it isn’t working, the woman should wet her fingers with saliva or K-Y and rub her clitoris. Yes, women, you need to learn to touch yourselves.

Not only will this help you achieve an orgasm during sex, but men think it’s really hot, especially if they see it during foreplay. I mean, if you’re afraid to go down there yourself, why should they?

Also, any sexual position from behind is a pleasure paradise, because the penis makes full contact with sensitive areas, and allows your partner’s lubricated fingers more freedom to excite the clitoris.

This takes a little coordination, but any man can surprise his partner by venturing to understand her anatomy as well as she does.

All in all, remember this: To get to that moment of screaming culmination, both partners should stimulate G- and C-spots as much as possible while knocking boots. It is the true pathway to female orgasm.

The Sex Guardian appears monthly in the Features section. Direct all questions, comments or concerns to