Hollywood: Put on your thinking caps!

    There’s something rotten in the state of California. And, no, I’m not just talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger winning the recall election.

    I’m talking about the absolute lack of creativity in Hollywood.

    As an entertainment junkie, I watch a lot of television. The 30-minute shows are just enough to hold my attention while I’m avoiding homework. But even that can’t distract me anymore. Half of the time, the things on my television screen are so horrifically insipid, it’s a wonder they even made it on the air.

    Just one example: “”The Real World”” and its sister shows “”Road Rules”” and “”The Real World/Road Rules Challenge.”” It used to be that I would eagerly await each new episode, reveling in the unnecessary drama these fame-whores would create. But even now, it’s becoming too much. I’m watching the latest season (taped in Paris) and silently cursing the ingrates who are living rent-free in a gorgeous city and yet spend all their time bickering about ham and the fact that they have to (gasp!) be at the “”office”” for five hours.

    But this is typical of nearly all reality shows, which seem to have taken over the television industry. And for the few remaining fictionalized shows, it’s not much better.

    Take the crapfest “”7th Heaven,”” known for being a wholesome fun-for-the-whole-family show. The show started out as a cheesy guilty pleasure, but has since downgraded into a show that sends out the worst messages. It seems that on this show, as well as on many other dramas on the WB network, women simply cannot stand up for themselves and instead rely on the manly men to do their bidding. Please, can’t the WB just give us one kick-ass female character? They’ve been going steadily down the crapper ever since they lost “”Buffy the Vampire Slayer.””

    It’s a sad state of affairs when almost every show on television is pure drivel. And, admittedly, I watch it. There’s something about watching shit that makes us feel just a little bit better about ourselves, in a “”wow, at least I’m not that lame!”” kind of way. You know ‹ the feeling you got after watching “”Joe Millionaire”” or the preliminary rounds of “”American Idol.””

    But it’s not just the television shows that are lacking creativity. Every so often, I fork over the billion dollars it costs to see a movie these days and half the time the things on the big screen are so completely uninspired that I want to stab my eyes out with red-hot pokers in an effort to entertain myself. I’m talking about the crap that is films such as “”Dumb and Dumberer,”” “”Daddy Daycare”” and “”From Justin to Kelly”” (yes, yes, I sadly saw that one, can we all move on now?).

    Hollywood! What’s going on? Is life really so dull that you simply cannot come up with any creative plots? It has become so tedious that any one of us could write a screenplay and have it be identical to the nonsense that’s already playing on the big screen.

    The criteria is simple: The films are nearly all either inadequate adaptations of books (“”Under the Tuscan Sun,”” “”Le Divorce,”” “”Seabiscuit””), really shitty sequel/prequels (“”Terminator 3,”” “”American Wedding,”” “”Jeepers Creepers””), or just remakes of older movies (“”The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,”” “”The Italian Job””). Of course, not all the movies I listed were the bad ones ‹ but that’s way too many movies within a three-month period that have had no creativity attached to them at all.

    I’m sure these Hollywood heavyweights know people who know people who know people who lead somewhat ordinary lives. Is it not possible to take a page or two from their life and make it into a film? I’m not talking about writing the next Oscar-winner, I’m just saying that they should spend the billions of dollars they have on making a halfway decent film that isn’t ripping off an older film or a book plot. I’m tired of scanning the movie listings and seeing that the only good films are foreign or independent ones. What happened to films like “”The Godfather,”” “”E.T.”” and “”Silence of the Lambs””?

    At the end of the day, this is what Hollywood needs to do: Go out and use the billions and billions of dollars you have to hire real screenwriters who have actual ideas and creativity and have them write your scripts! I know they’re out there ‹ I’ve seen their indie films. Fund these films or come up with new ideas and new scripts. There are only so many times you can rewrite the teen movie. There are only so many times you can redo a horror flick. You get the idea.

    And, for the sake of all things holy, don’t ever let Jennifer Lopez star in a film again!

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