It just so happens that my friend and I have the same vibrator. We happened to be talking about the various pros and cons about this vibrator on the phone. She was frustrated that it only went one speed. I advised her to play around with the on switch, which if properly finessed can actually produced two speeds. She hung up, happy to have a whole new option available to her. I hung up to face a crowd of stunned bystanders, looking at me as if I’d actually been using my vibrator instead of talking about it.

Perhaps, I shouldn’t have had a private conversation in front of a bus stop. Perhaps, it was simply a case of being a somewhat liberally-minded individual surrounded by extremely conservative prudes. And perhaps, it’s an example of people needing to loosen up when it comes to sex and to open up to the idea that sexuality is something to be embraced, not condemned.

What ever happened to the sexual revolution? What ever happened to the promised liberation of our bodies, and what we did with them? The societal freedom of the 1960s and 1970s, the anti-war protests, the feminist movement, an increasing acceptance of homosexuality all seemed to indicate that a certain amount of experimentation was simply a part of self-discovery.

Flash forward thirty years and we’re in another war that many find suspect, instead of not objectifying women, we objectify both genders and homophobia is still running rampant. And the kind of sexual freedom that once appeared to be just a sex talk away is now deemed unacceptable behavior.

To some extent, this is probably explained by the influx of STDs made public in the early 1990s. The awareness of A.I.D.S., HIV, Human Papilloma Virus and many others often depended on scare tactics rather than information. Deadly diseases certainly merit a certain amount of fear. But not to the extent that people should be afraid even to discuss it. Indeed, perhaps one of the best methods of preventing such diseases is not spreading fear, but rather open discussion that could dispel rumors instead of encouraging them through whispered gossip stemming from ignorance.

There’s a difference between lewd, tactless chitchat and earnest, curious conversation. There’s a difference between bragging about getting some action and wondering if a friend has any advice on spicing things up. And the line between the two isn’t as thin as some would like to think. It is entirely possible to have legitimate, appropriate and extremely useful conversations that need only be offensive to the extremely conservative.

The only way around the narrow-mindedness that would see sex limited to the most intimate and therein restricted conversations is to make it socially acceptable to discuss things like vibrators, lubricant, sex toys and interesting positions. That kind of acceptance starts with opening up a dialogue between friends and peers about things that may be personal, but do not have to be entirely private. I’m not advocating an attitude that endorses casual sex (assuming there is such a thing) or mass orgies. Promiscuity is not the answer to confronting a priggish attitude toward intercourse. But I do believe that the stigma surrounding sexual experience is outdated and even harmful. Pillow talk needn’t be confined to the bedroom, nor should it be.

So the next time someone asks me for an opinion about cock rings or handcuffs, I’m not going to hush my voice or call her back later, and I’m most certainly not going to feel discomfited or ashamed. I’m going to give the best advice I can and not feel the least bit embarrassed. And I encourage people to do the same.

There’s nothing wrong with owning up to who you are as a sexual being, and if you’re not exactly sure what that is, then your best bet of finding it isn’t through an aversion to talking about sex. It’s through exploring and embracing your individual definition of sexual identity.