Confessions of a V-Day dumper

Traditionally, the Valentine’s holiday has separated the world into two camps: those who spend their time desperately searching for the perfect gift and place to take their loved ones, and alternatively, those who dress up in all black and sit in their dorm room with a six-pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade and ponder what could have been if they could have just built up a little courage at that party last week. I wonder if there couldn’t be a third group of individuals who spend Valentine’s Day celebrating their freedom. Allow me to suggest the unsuggestable: Dump your significant other on Valentine’s Day.

If being in a relationship was a class, then Valentine’s Day would be the final. It requires a great deal of preparation, and afterwards, you are either going to breathe a sigh of relief that you didn’t screw it up, or you are going to spend a few days wondering whether or not you just wasted the past 10 weeks of your life. The thing that people often don’t consider is that they don’t have to take the final; you can dump your significant other on Valentine’s Day, and it won’t even show up on your transcript.

It’s this kind of thinking outside of the heart-shaped box of candies that can turn this dreadful holiday into one that you will never forget. I would also encourage those who plan on getting rid of their mate on the most romantic day of the year to put some careful planning into how precisely to go about it. After all, why just drop the class when it is so much more fun to actually show up to the final, wait 15 minutes and then run out while screaming expletives? Sure it is risky, but it will make a great story to tell your illegitimate children someday.

In the eighth grade, I had my best friend deliver a dead rose to my girlfriend on Feb. 14 with a note that read, “”You’ve just been dumped.”” It is just that type of attention to detail that will turn a breakup into a catastrophe. By combining the use of a note and having a friend deliver it, I think that I really got the message, “”you are not worth my time or energy,”” across. After all, isn’t that what a person is really saying when they dump someone on Valentine’s Day?

Sometimes a more effective method is to pretend that you are doing something great for them, and then leave them utterly disappointed. This will lead your mate to believe that you are somewhat incompetent, and after considering all the disappointment that you are sure to bring them in the future, he or she will probably dump you. This move is nice if you want to date one of your companion’s friends. For example, at age 16, I talked up Valentine’s Day all week and asked my girlfriend to come over wearing something really nice. When she arrived, I took her into my kitchen, where two root beers and a heart-shaped pepperoni pizza was waiting (a piece was missing of course, for dramatic effect). The relationship ended the next day, and her best friend thought the pizza thing was “”kinda cute.””

While I don’t expect the majority of people to go out and dump their mates on Valentine’s Day, I do feel that the option should be seriously explored. The two-party system of being pathetic and lonely or enamored and frantic has got to end. Think of me as the Ralph Nader of love — I am just a third party trying to broaden the horizons of celebratory possibilities on one of our nation’s most dubious holidays.