Culturally speaking, when it comes to love and relationships, we are all screwed. And not in a good way.
Nearly every single form of media used by our society is constantly giving us ideas about what love is, how we can recognize it, how we can find it and what we should do with it. The only problem is, most of the messages sent about this subject are lies. Our media are continually telling us to strive to find and keep an ideal that does not and cannot exist, and because of the expectations we form as a result, our relationships suffer.
Messages about love are everywhere: love songs, romance novels, magazines, movies, television shows and fairy tales. There is no getting away from them, and they all set up impossible expectations about love –expectations we think we can apply to our own lives. But we can’t, and we shouldn’t think that the media’s version of love is at all realistic or attainable.
When we are kids, we are taught that love can and should be perfect. We are told that Cinderella and Prince Charming fell madly in love the moment they saw each other at the ball, and not even jealous siblings and lost footwear could keep them apart. No, they were meant to be together, and fate always finds a way to make sure that true love triumphs over all. And then, of course, they lived happily ever after.
Then we get older, and we start to watch what are commonly referred to as “”chick flicks.”” In “”Never Been Kissed,”” Josie refuses to settle for anything less than the moment when “”Sometime you’ll kiss someone and know that’s the person you’re supposed to kiss for the rest of your life.”” And though Josie has been deceiving her teacher, Sam, throughout their courtship, they are fated to end up together — so they do, and the movie ends after they share a perfect kiss.
In “”The Princess Bride,”” Buttercup falls madly in love with Wesley when he hands her a pitcher. And though the attractive young couple is separated when Wesley leaves to make his fortune, and Buttercup is told he is dead, the film goes on to show that despite such obstacles as a lustful, greedy prince and several near-death experiences, Wesley and Buttercup are meant to be together, and are destined to live together in bliss.
Notice a theme yet?
We are constantly told to believe in fate and true, perfect love. And of course, once we find our soul mate, we will of course live happily ever after together. These movies and fairy tales are designed to let us pretend that we are the princess or newspaper reporter that will eventually end up with the man of her dreams. We see these characters achieve happiness in their relationships, and we believe that as a result, we can do the same. We can have the fairy tale — doesn’t Julia Roberts say that exact line in “”Pretty Woman””? And doesn’t she get her wish? Then we think we can do the same.
All of these couples were clearly meant to end up together. But that means that they don’t have to work at finding and keeping love. All Buttercup has to do is look at Wesley and she knows she’s in love. Cinderella has to work a little harder — she actually has to dance for a while first — but the message is the same: When you find your soul mate, “”you just know.”” And of course he or she will know it, too. That’s all there is to it.
Except in real life, it isn’t. There’s no theme song for real life to let us know when we have met “”the one.”” It’s not always clear when we are in loving relationships, and it’s often even less clear if our partners love us back. But because of the media, we think that every relationship should work exactly like they do in the movies and fairy tales.
And even assuming that we do fall madly in love with our partners within an hour of meeting, what about what happens after that? The world is not just like the ones created by Hollywood, and life doesn’t always work out the way we want it to. No one ever tells us what happens when Cinderella gets bored of being a princess or has a fight with her prince, because that could never happen. In happily ever after, there are no arguments. What about when the world stops fading away when Josie kisses Sam? No, that’s impossible. Passion and love never fade or change. What happens to Buttercup when Wesley can’t give up pirating and starts loving his gold a little more than her? Oh wait, that would never happen, either.
In popular media, we never see what happens after the credits start rolling. We never see the fights, the end of constant passion, the sexual ruts — any of the problems we all know real people have. Love, even if we think it is perfect in the beginning of a relationship, never stays perfect or the same for long. People grow and change as individuals and relationships change, too. But since that never happens in the movies, or the love songs, or the romance novels or the fairy tales — which are blueprints for the perfect relationship — we think our own relationships should work that way as well.
It is unreasonable to expect that our own lives and relationships will look just like the movies or any of the other media forms that tell us what love should be. Love isn’t an instantaneous reaction to meeting your soul mate. Love is a process — something you have to earn and work for. So don’t get upset when it doesn’t just fall into your lap like it always does for Meg Ryan. And there is no happily ever after. Relationships always require work, understanding and change; saying “”I love you”” doesn’t make everything all better and every problem go away.
So this Valentine’s Day, if your partner doesn’t get you the perfect present, if the world doesn’t fade away when you kiss, if he can’t get off work early or she doesn’t say exactly the right thing — get over it. Your relationship will never be perfect, and it will never be a movie or summer romance novel. But if you learn to drop the impossible expectations set up for us by the media, our relationships can be something even better: real.
