Cable TV reaches an all new low

    Today was the Super Bowl. At least, it was when I wrote this. I suppose it still could be if you’re living in one of those towns without cable, where news broadcasts get passed around on videotapes. I’ve never been in a town like that, but I assume they exist. I’ve been in foreign countries and timeshared cabins before, and that’s how it is for movies, so they must have some sort of TV counterpart.

    Ever since I moved to an apartment that doesn’t face southeast, I haven’t been able to steal satellite. Incidentally, I’ve been watching a lot less lesbian porn and Pay-Per-View. On the flip side, there’s only so many times you can watch “”Like Mike.””

    Instead of satellite, I get basic cable. Basic cable blows. The jerk-offs I live with were watching “”High School Reunion”” on the WB today. In case you’re not familiar with the WB, it’s this network that promotes racial segregation. They have “”black shows”” and “”white shows,”” carefully dividing them into blocks like a bus or a cafeteria. Every once in a while, you’ll see a white person on a black show, or a black person on a white show, and that’s supposed to represent Rosa Parks. Anyway, “”High School Reunion”” is a “”white show,”” and a pretty horrible one at that.

    It’s part of this new breed of group dating shows that all consist of people trying to get laid or married or a free vacation with some stupid twist, like the people they’re trying to have sex with actually have 1-inch penises or genital herpes. The “”twist”” for “”High School Reunion”” is that the people in the group orgy of a show all went to high school together 10 years ago.

    That has to be the stupidest idea for a TV show ever. First of all, what kind of people would agree to date people they went to high school with? I’ll tell you what kind: stalkers and people who haven’t gotten over high school. People who think that high school was the best years of their lives. Those people are not only annoying, they’re stupid, too, because clearly elementary school was the best years of our lives.

    I watched “”G.I. Joe”” ever day, played a lot of four square and slept a lot. That’s really my ideal job right now. That’s my mission statement on my resume: I would like to watch “”G.I. Joe,”” play four square (preferably in a group of three that just tries to screw over the new guy over and over again so I don’t have to get in line), and take frequent naps. Target salary: $80,000-$100,000, after taxes. I’d be willing to put in overtime — a few more episodes of “”G.I. Joe”” a day wouldn’t hurt — but I’d expect full health coverage if my eyes start to go.

    Inside my head, next to the brain cells that are still pissed about my experimental drug years, is a long laundry list titled “”Things I Hate.”” “”High School Reunion”” is right below Avril Lavigne and above the new Queens of the Stone Age CD that everyone’s been telling me about. Do you know what that CD is like? It’s like taking all the “”alternative rock”” albums that have been released in the last 10 years, compiling all the shitty songs on one really long tape, and then splicing random parts of that tape to form a CD. And don’t get me started on Avril Lavigne — she’s the Antichrist, and Marilyn Manson is Moses, comparatively.

    So instead of watching basic cable, I’ve been downloading TV shows and watching them on my Xbox (Thanks, Microsoft!). It’s like Tivo, except I’m not limited to lousy programming like “”American Idol”” and “”Richard Gere: True Hollywood Story.””

    While half you losers were watching two groups of people fight over part of a pig that wasn’t bacon, I watched “”Mystery Science Theater 3000″” and “”Freaks and Geeks.”” I’m a big fan of cancelled shows. I really liked “”My Secret Identity”” from the late ’80s, I think it was Jerry O’Connell’s finest work, but I can tell from the “”Kangaroo Jack”” previews that he hasn’t lost that certain je ne sais quois. To quote Kevin Spacey in “”Seven,”” “”Only in a world this sick”” can “”ALF”” and “”Family Guy”” be cancelled, but they’re making a “”Real World 12.””

    I’d like to collect some episodes from “”Out of This World,”” because let’s face it, Evie was hot. If I could have jerked off when I was 8, I probably would have done it to Evie. Either that or Nicole Eggert’s character in “”Charles in Charge.”” And now that I think about it, those guys in that “”High School Reunion”” show totally must have jerked off to Evie and Nicole Eggert. I support their choices, even though they’re annoying as hell. Especially that guy who was an asshole in high school and is still an asshole. He particularly bothers me. He probably “”had to be different”” and jerked off to that chick in “”Different Strokes,”” and more recently the Olsen twins’ movies, which is just wrong because he’s seen them crawling on “”Full House.”” They were probably born in the ’90s. The ’90s, man.

    Which brings me to my last, but equally important point: I feel really sorry for those guys out there who look just like pedophiles and the girls that look just like sluts. You know what I’m talking about — it really has nothing to do with how they dress, or talk, or act, they just naturally look like pedophiles and sluts.

    You could totally see them in a Chester the Molester van or a porn movie, and they have to go the rest of their lives with people thinking they’re pedophiles and sluts. You’d be having a conversation with them, but in the back of your mind you’re thinking, “”pedophile”” in one of those thought balloons Woodstock uses in “”Peanuts”” along with a picture of Jesus from “”The Big Lebowski.””

    Well, the next time you’re feeling down, just think at least you’re not one of those people. And if you are, sorry.

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