Only Fox would pit 50 midgets against an elephant to see who could pull an airplane faster. This stunt and many more are part of Fox’s latest ratings gimmick, which matches “”Man vs. Beast”” in a special set to air Jan. 15. The show will feature such contests as a foot/hoof race between a world-class sprinter and a giraffe, a hot dog-eating contest between a Kodiak bear and a 113-pound man, and an obstacle course in which a chimp and the military’s elite will race.

Out of pure curiosity, and in a show of support for my fellow humans, I plan on watching. The more I think about it, though, the more convinced I am that Fox could have come up with some better contests. Here are my personal suggestions for the inevitable “”Man vs. Beast 2″”:

A deer in headlights vs. Terry Porter in a test of reflexes. The Fiesta Bowl field judge cost the University of Miami a national championship when he called pass interference at the end of the first overtime a full four seconds after the play had ended. I know the deer ends up moving when a car hits him, but unless Miami fans in the parking lot recognized him, I’m not sure Porter has had that experience. Advantage: deer.

A group of rabbits vs. NBA superstars to see who can produce the most offspring. Even when it’s not a competition, the NBA guys do pretty well, but anyone who’s ever taken a walk on the UCSD campus at night knows that it’s no contest. Advantage: rabbits.

Wile E. Coyote vs. the Chicago Cubs in a contest of successfulness. The Roadrunner is an undefeated champion who frustrates each of Coyote’s attempts; the Cubs last won a World Series in 1908, but have signed Dusty Baker as their new manager. Kerry Wood is healthy, and they have a talented core, so the Cubs could … oh who am I kidding? Maybe next year. Advantage: Coyote.

A swarm of mosquitoes vs. Martha Burk in a battle of annoyance. The chair of the National Council of Women’s Organizations has gone on a tireless media crusade to get a woman admitted as a member of the Augusta National Golf Club. At least the mosquitoes quit buzzing when the weather turns cold. Advantage: Burk.

An ox vs. Augusta Chairman Hootie Johnson in a battle of stubbornness. Despite losing his corporate sponsors, having members resign and facing the ire of feminists nationwide, Hootie insists he will not admit a woman. Even the ox would have given up by now. Advantage: Hootie.

The average dog vs. Mike Tyson in a battle of wits. Really, there’s no contest because one of the two doesn’t know how to speak and the other is a dog. Advantage: none.

A hungry shark vs. Bud Selig in an underwater wrestling match. Granted the commissioner of baseball doesn’t have much chance, but at least it won’t be a tie. Advantage: shark.

On second thought, I think the humans get the better end of that deal. This is one sequel that’d be worth seeing.