With the holiday season upon us, I decided to see how some of the world’s top athletes were celebrating and went to the 17th Annual Federated Professional Athletes Gift Exchange. The food was free and the music was loud, but the best part was watching the presentation of gifts. Here are the highlights for your reading pleasure.
The New York Yankees gave the Portland “”Jail Blazers”” a set of their famous pin-striped jerseys. Co-captains Rasheed Wallace and Damon Stoudamire, who were arrested for marijuana possession last week, were pleased with the gift.
“”Yo, these is some dope threads,”” Stoudamire said.””It’s just too bad Shawn Kemp ain’t with our team anymore, ’cause he could have used the slimming effect.””
The next highlight of the evening came when U.S. soccer player Landon Donovan gave former San Francisco 49ers kicker Jose Cortez a gift certificate for three free lessons on how to kick a ball straight.
49ers wide receiver Terrell Owens gave NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue a Sharpie. His suggestion on where Tagliabue could shove the marker if Owens was fined for any more celebrations left the crowd speechless.
The Major League Baseball Fan Association gave commissioner Bug Selig a tie to wear at next year’s All-Star Game. The league made it perfectly clear that the gift was the only tie that should be part of the game.
In an odd coincidence of the draw, Shaquille O’Neal and Master P drew each other’s names. Shaq offered to give Master P some rapping lessons, and in return, Master P said he’d show Shaq a few things on the court. Neither man appeared to be too excited about his gift.
President George W. Bush was in attendance, and he pulled out a gift for noted Title IX supporter, aspiring Olympic archer and actress Geena Davis. Bush reached into his pocket and pulled out a $100 bill. However, suddenly realizing that it would be unfair to give money to a woman without giving the same amount to a man, he took out scissors and cut precisely down the middle of the bill giving half to Davis and half to a man sitting next to her.
“”This is useless now,”” she cried.
“”Yes,”” Bush answered. “”But at least it’s fair.””
The U.S. men’s basketball team was in attendance, and it presented the U.S. men’s soccer team with some extra media coverage.
“”Heck, we made up the game and we still can’t beat the rest. These guys are beating the world at its own game,”” said USA basketball coach George Karl.
In an attempt to expose him to American culture, Houston Rockets guard Steve Francis gave rookie teammate Yao Ming a gift certificate to Starbucks. The 7-foot-6-inch Yao was reportedly disappointed with the coffee-maker’s definition of “”tall.””
Tiger Woods was about to hand me a big, rectangular box when I woke up.
Stupid alarm clock.
